"How are you?" is a question that I am asked often. My response is usually along the lines of "OK...hanging in there." And it's true. I am OK and hanging in there. But it's not quite the whole truth. There is often not time or space to answer fully--and maybe the person asking doesn't want the real answer. But here it is:
I am sad.
I am hurt.
I am lonely.
I am scared.
I feel cheated and betrayed and lost and alone.
Most days I don't really wan tot get up and face the day. Most days I creep to the edge of the pit of self-pity and look down into the depths. But most days I back away from the edge.
But some days I jump on in and wallow in the muck feeling sorry for myself, angry and bitter. Those are not good days--days that I may be hanging on--but just barely and only by my fingernails. Those are days when I review all I have lost and worry that I may never get any better than I am right now. Those are days I ask, "Why Lord?" over and over. Days I play with despair and wish for a different life. Days I tell God how badly my feeling are hurt. Days I wonder how and Why he saved my life because this? is NOT the abundant life I feel like I was promised. This is just existing and I don't much like it. This feels like punishment. Like being abandoned.
So that's a bigger truth--that's how I'm really doing. Some days I am ok and I am hanging in there but other day are pretty ugly and awful.
Everyday I try to remind myself of things I know are true:
Jesus does love me.
my life does have purpose even though it doesn't feel like it.
That there is good in this somewhere.
That this is just a season and it will end...someday...somehow.