First, I miss you. I miss the daily routine of getting my thoughts down. (I do journal from time to time, but have struggled to be consistent. I need to work on that!)
First, my computer died. And second, I still have zero no of my left arm and cannot type. One-handed typing is very difficult!
Third, “If you don’t have anything nice to say (fill in the blank). I have not had much to say that wouldn’t quickly turn into a laundry list of complaints and woes. While I am medicated for depression, I remain depressed and can’t see over the edge of the pit on many days. I’m tired of taking so many pills – 30+ per day L. At the risk of doing some complaining, here’s an update on life:
* Life is hard and added to not sleeping well, I have very little energy for much activity.
* My recovery is at quite a standstill. I am not doing any therapy and so I’m not making any progress to report. I’m glad to have a break – especially since I’m so tired.
* Parenting has been a supreme challenge - I feel like I’ve lost my motherhood. I have very little interaction with the girls per their request. I miss them terribly and am deeply discouraged.
* Toben lost his job – Family Talk did not renew his contract after losing a major donor and he is busy searching for a new job. We are filing bankruptcy in the next few weeks. This scares me badly.
* We are still living with Toben’s parents in Colorado Springs. I love my “in-loves” deeply, but I miss having my own home. I miss my stuff – my treasures that made our house home.
* We put the cats up for adoption and Joey and Pumpkin have both been adopted into new families (who I pray love them as much as I did). They hated being kenneled month after month so I do know for certain that they are happier not to be in kitty jail, but my heart still hurts when I think of them.
* I have been spending lots of time in Denver with my parents, coming up for a week or so at a time here and there to be spoiled and loved and to give Toben a break as my caregiver day in and out.
I do get to see my friends in Denver while I am here. But I cannot bring myself to go past our house. It would undo me and I am afraid of being undone.
I just re-read the last post I wrote in January. I’m afraid my Scripture memory is not going particularly well. Mostly, I try to remember promises I’ve learned in the past, turning them into “God, You said…” kinds of prayers.
Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement – you brighten my day through Facebook and Twitter so often.
1. For a Job for Toben (one with good benefits would be sprinkles on the frosting on the cake).
2. For my relationship with the girls. I want so much to shower love on them, yet I also want to respect their desire for some distance. It hurts and I am sad.
3. For the girls. They are doing well for the most part – dealing well with school and friends. I would dearly love for Audrey to have a big sister/mentor in her life to pour into her, to love on her, to be her friend.
4. For my sleep. I go to bed tired, wake up tired, lay awake in the night tired. I am not active but I am worn out a lot.
5. As I read this, I see I am afraid a lot. One of the Psalms says, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you”? I need help to do this more! I do trust you, Lord; help me trust you more!
I am in Denver now, so many thanks to my Dad for typing this for me! And for loving me so unconditionally and well.
I’m headed back to Colorado Springs on Wednesday and we will spend Thanksgiving there.
My goal and desire is to blog more regularly. So I hope to “see” you again soon.
With love and many thanks for your love and care,