I know the dictionary definition of paradox pretty well--
"a proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth." (dictionary.com)
And I'm comfortable with the concept for the most part.
But I am now living in paradox and...well..., it's not so comfortable after all. Why?
Because the paradox in which I find myself is a tricky one. It's MINE - something with which I've long wrestled and struggled. (My MISSION Community Church Psalm 23 girls will know this already about me)-the teeter-totter balance between dependence and self-sufficiency is not one Ihandle well.
Self-sufficiency and independence? I sure like the sound of those. I'm comfortable with them. I likethem. Do I want to have it all together and handle life on my own? You betcha! What's not to love about that?
And YET - God calls us - calls me to a life of dependence, a life of abiding and relying and resting on and in him alone. And not just for some things. But for ALL things.
Truth is, I really don't like being dependent - not one little bit. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weak. Out of control and scared, well--freaked out, really.
But I want it too. Because I know that God wants it for me.
So much of life after stroke is about dependence. I require help with so many things and needto be grateful in the being helped by and being dependent on others.
At the same time, much of life afterstroke is about independence too - learning and working to gain skills and abilitites that were lost. It's a weird tension to carry--being gracious and accepting of such dependence while alsostriving for and looking toward independence. The balance is hard to achieve and unpredictable and unexpected ups and downs are frequent and disorienting at times. Gaining independence while also being dependent is absurd, and yet isalso a possible truth according to the dictionary, anyway.
A paradox - learning to rest on both sides of the teeter-totter while doing my best not to fall off. It's going to take some time and prayer to maintain and eventually thrive here...
I know that so many of you pray for me already. It is a wonderful, encouraging and humbling blessing to me.
With love and gratitude too big for mere words on a computer screen,