Mother's Day is hard for me. Two years ago was as bad as it gets since it was my first one not being with my children. I had just moved in with Mom and Dad and spent the day feeling sad and sorry for myself and doing the ugly cry for most of the day. Last year, I endured and survived.
Up until a few days ago, I had planned to do the endurance and survival thing again, but I have a new plan now.
I've been thinking and praying about how best to mark (it's not really about celebrating anymore) days like Mother's Day and the kids' birthdays since we are not spending them together and doing nothing just feels like faking i or ignoring it. Endurance works to a certain extent, but it's a grit-my-teeth-and-get-through-it-while-watching-the-clock kind of a thing, so I've been praying about a way to mark these kinds of days in a better fashion.
I pray a lot in the shower--it's a time each morning when I lay it all out before God, giving him the pieces of my day and my heart and stepping back to let him arrange it all as he will.
The other morning, I feel like he picked them all up and laid them into place in a new pattern for me to pursue.
It felt specifically like a way to mark their birthdays at first, but then he said, "Why wait until August? Why don't you start on Mother's Day and get a jump on it now?" So here goes.
I will be staying home from church tomorrow to spend the day alone with God in a day of fasting and praying for my kids. No food, no electronics-- just me and him, a lot of water, my Bible and the journals I started for each of the the kids when they were babies. Journals in which I've written them letters on birthdays, first days of school, really good days and really hard days too.
So I will pray and read and write...
...and I'll probably cry some too, which will be good even though I'd rather not. The drugs I was on for so many years shut down my emotions for the most part, but I've been weaned off almost all of them since moving in with Mom and Dad. My anti-depressant has been the last one to go, but as of this week, I'm down to only a quarter of the dose I've been on for years! With that decrease, my emotions should start to return to be a bit more normal. (I have been happy and even sad, but tears have been really rare, and we all need some here and there, so this feels like a good thing to me.
In other news you may have seen on Facebook, we took our newish camper out for a couple of days last week to try it all out--it is great! And we are heading to Utah at the end of the week to go to Moab for a week or more. The weather there is in the 80s these days, so I am ready for that for sure! In late August, we will be taking a longer trip to the Pacific Northwest and down the Oregon coast, which should be great fun. We will stop in Spokane on the way to Seattle, and I'm excited to visit Whitworth. I haven't been back since the summer after graduation, and I'm ready to see how much the university has changed!
My neurologist recommended me for driving evaluation and training, so I hope to be driving later this summer early fall too!
I am going to teach Bible study for six weeks this summer for our church. Mom and I will host it here and I'll be teaching the Psalm 23 study I wrote and taught for Mission Community Church in 2010 in Arizona. I am excited about it, but a little bit nervous too. I'm certainly not the same girl I was then, but God reminded me this morning that he IS exactly the same God and since he'll be doing the heavy lifting on it, it will all be okay!
That's all the biggest news here...
I hope you are doing well and the flowers are blooming in your neck of the woods!(It's rained here a lot today and our tulips are red and the golf course out back is super green!)
With love to you, my friends,