It's been a big week around here. And I'll spare you the long story and just give you the "net net" as my friend Michael says:
We are moving back to Colorado on June 30.
But since I am a girl, I can't leave it at the "net net." It's going to have to be a long story after all. Here's the rest. And this may be a doozy of a post, but here goes.
Emotionally I am all over the place: Up and down and turned inside out. Happy and sad. Excited and terrified. Relieved and worried. At peace and tied up in knots. Sure and full of doubt.
I've been lots of fun to live with these past few days. Poor Toben.
As I've journaled and prayed--a lot--this week, the question I keep asking is "Why?" It feels like God changed his mind. Like he was so clear about us staying in Arizona another year, and then is suddenly leading a different direction. And I just don't understand.
Or maybe it's not so sudden. There are so many circumstances, so many details that suddenly make a lot of sense when viewed as a whole.
Things like looking and looking for a new rental house here only to have every single house we liked rented by someone else that same morning. Things like details with our house in Denver. Things like my sister and her family having moved back to Denver, moved to a house just 10 minutes or so from ours. Things like teaching and learning so much about trust that God as teacher has decided need a practical kind of an exam.
Things that God has orchestrated into place and then suddenly connected with a big "ta-da!"
But still. I think part of what's going on is that I'm doubting hearing his voice. Was what I heard back in January about staying here next year not him? Is this not him? Was it all him and he's just changed plans? I'm feeling so confused.
The thing is though, that Toben is not confused. At all. He's certain and sure and confident and excited. And hearing from God left and right.
(Which is a post brewing for the Our Crazy Marriage blog. Because God's definitely using all of this to affect some change in our marriage.)
So, all that to say, we'll be back in Denver.
Some nitty gritty stuff: We're going to homeschool again next year--the girls have made it clear that's their first choice. (So Wendy and Kristina and Nikki: We're on for homeschool stuff together, right?) Though I may trade babysitting for math instruction with my sister. I'm registered to take a class at Denver Seminary--New Testament Greek on Monday nights. We're going to continue life as a TV-free family. And we're becoming a one-car family for the near future.
The one big thing that seems to be missing? A job for Toben. Thus my fear and freaking out. Prayers much appreciated. Make that much, much, MUCH appreciated.
When I typed "moving to Colorado" into Google to see if I could find a cute picture or image to post, you want to know what popped up on the first page of results? This:
So most everything up till this point in the post was actually written yesterday morning--Friday--but I didn't post it because Audrey wasn't home yet. She's been at camp at Forest Home in California all week and didn't have a clue that this was happening.
(Neither did we. Have to say that while it may not seem sudden to God, it was sudden for us. We got up on Sunday, dropped Audrey and her stuff at the bus for camp, worked all morning at church, some stuff happened, we had some discussion, and then at 3 o'clock we were moving back to Denver.)
We went back and forth about going to get her to tell her, how to tell her, so on and so forth. But we wanted her to have a great week. And she did. Until she got home and found out.
She got home last night completely exhausted and hungry. And telling her we are moving did not go well. She's asking all the same things I've been asking myself: Why? Didn't God say we were staying in Arizona? Not to mention feeling like she's just spent a week making amazing friends, looking forward to junior high with them, and feeling like she belongs here.
It's so hard. Her heart is hurting, breaking. If you'd pray for her, I would appreciate it more than I could say.
The thing is, I am excited. Not that you'd be able to tell by how I've been feeling or acting. Denver IS home. It's just that Arizona is home too. I have to remind myself that there are people who live in a place for years and never feel at home the way we do--and we feel that way in two places, no less.
As I told Audrey, we can feel sad, scared, and whatever else we're feeling.
And we have to choose to remember the things we're excited about too. Gran and Papa. Aunt Kristen, Uncle Wade, Ava, Tyson, and Levi. Getting her own room again. Having a guest room for friends from Arizona to use. Putting the swings back in the trees in the backyard. My refrigerator (some appliances do merit strong feelings of love). Friends there. Green grass. Camping trips with Gran and Papa. Crafty space in the basement. Trips to the mountains. Seminary.So, the next three weeks are going to be filled with finishing up our school year, packing, wrapping up stuff at work, spending time with friends here. Something tells me it's going to go by quickly.
That's what's going on in a nutshell. A really, really big nutshell.