We've had the last two weeks off from school--Thanksgiving and then Emma in NYC (remind me to post some of her pictures--she's her Aunt Kristen's niece and took a ton). So this morning, we're getting back in the swing of it.
Along with laundry. And menu planning. And grocery shopping. And how all that's going to get done well and with a happy attitude, I just don't know.
One day at a time. One thing at a time. Help, Lord, help!
With all that feels like it needs to be done. With feeling behind in our schooling. With my attitude. With feeling unprepared for Christmas. With feeling like a friend has tossed me aside. With missing my home. With uncertainty. With PMS. With missing seminary. With not being crafty. With feeling lonely. With feeling whatever it is I'm feeling about the weekend of counseling with Toben starting on Friday.
With wanting to wallow in it.
And with wanting to tell myself to buck up and get over it and just be happy already. Cheesh!
The head and heart thing gets me every time. What I KNOW versus what I FEEL. Anyone else?
And the thing is, I feel like I know all the right things to tell myself. I know what I'd say to someone else struggling with this. I know what I have said to others struggling with this. And I've said those things to myself over and over again.
And yet it's just plain HARD.
But I wallowed yesterday and it didn't really get me anywhere. Nothing changed and, in all honesty, it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. In fact, it was pretty miserable. Not to mention that it had an effect on my whole family.
So what comes suddenly to mind is this (which makes me think it's a totally God thing):
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him." I can choose to trust God anyway and praise him anyway and let him worry about changing my heart.
Yet. A little word. (And one that sounds funny if you say it too many times in a row.) But one that sums it up well. It wouldn't be the same if it just said "for I will praise him." That makes it sound easy and nonchalant. A given, a natural.
That "yet" is encouraging to me because it acknowledges the struggle in it, the tension, the overcoming and determination required.
At some point, it comes down to rugged obedience. Doing what I know is right whether I feel like it or not. One step at a time. And letting God work out the rest.
Off to go tie up my running shoes, turn the music up loud, and praise anyway. One step at a time.
What about you?