I am not usually a drama queen by nature; I tend to stay pretty even tempered. (Though I will say I used to be a drama queen. Not sure if that was me, or just me having two children under the age of five for a season. Whatever it was, it was exhausting and I didn't like it much.)
Anyhow, today I was a drama queen. Or, more of a DRAMA QUEEN as the case may be.
Not so pretty. No tiara, no royal robes.
Just a good hair day and a really bad attitude.
The thing is, I don't even know what set me off. The day started fine. I blogged about my desire to get back to some discipline in my walk, some strict training in this journey of faith. I got the boys to school (my extra two!) after spending the night with them, and then went back home. I walked in the door and WHAM!
It felt like I walked into a cloud, under a cloud, into a swirling mess. Some of it feels like SUPER DUPER PMS (my friend Yvette says it should all be capitalized like that, and I agree), but some of it felt darker than that. Stifling. Suffocating.
When I said "Bring it" at the end of my last post, that is so not what I meant.
And so I struggled against it and fought the cloud and then in a fit of rage gave in. Said horrible things to Audrey. Yelled a lot and was mean.
And I have to admit that it felt good to give it free rein. For about a fraction of a second. And then it felt bad. Really, really bad.
I hate knowing that kind of thing lurks in me. I had thought it was gone--it's been years since rage has come out like that. And it scared me.
So I curled up on the floor in the living room and did the ugly cry. And then I got up and cried some more. Then read comments from you on Twitter and Facebook and listened to voicemail and cried some more.
And then I apologized to my sweet girl. Asked her to forgive me. And she did. I hope what she'll remember is me admitting I was wrong, remember my sorrow over my words rather than the words themselves.
I hope she'll remember someday when she's a grownup that it's hard to be grownup sometimes, hard to be a mom. That moms can apologize to their kids, ask for forgiveness too.
I hope she remembers that we get do-overs. That while we do have to deal with the consequences, we can forgive and move forward and start again.
Lisa sent me this verse, and it's one you might need to if you can relate to any of this. It's definitely going on a card and be written on my heart:
I will try to walk a blameless path,
but how I need your help,
especially in my own home,
where I long to act as I should.
Psalm 101:2, Living Bible