Our Crazy Marriage

Toben: Strong Medication=Embarrassment

Couple of things in the last week have reminded me of the strength of the medication I am on. The first is that in California, after I took my nightly meds, Joanne and I had a lengthy conversation that I have no memory of.  What a weird feeling to wake up in the morning to Joanne distraught because I was so out of it the night before; that I was insensitive and inattentive. This seems like it happens at least once a week and has been for most of the time that I have been medicated.  Even then, it is still embarrassing every time it happens. 

The other thing is that when my meds kick in a loose some fine motor control, which leads to incomprehensible text messages and emails! As much as I try to land my thumbs in the right place on my iPhone I just can't make it happen.  And instead of just deciding not to text at night, I try anyhow only to realize the next day that I have sent gibberish to friends.  Again, pretty embarrassing.  

Heard from a friend today about someone at her church with bi-polar who has taken himself off of all his meds.  That makes me sad, but I totally get it.  My first reaction to the embarrassment that I too often feel is to think about quitting the meds, or playing around with the dosages to try and regain control.

Granted, I am happy with my meds most of the time.  I know enough to know that without them I would probably be dead.  Being aware of that keeps me on track. 

But I completely understand why people quit them. It's a control thing.  I think all of us have a natural desire to be in control of our thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Sometimes the meds take some or all of those things away. That's a bad feeling. But I know this: it is better than the alternative. 

Joanne: Weary

We're at the beach for a long weekend and I'm sitting up in bed after trying to fall asleep for the last two hours. I'm exhausted, but the Mexican I had for dinner is not sitting well and my stomach hurts.

And Toben snores. Loudly. I'm not making a typical husband joke. It's awful. One of the side effects of medication in a roundabout way. He's gained weight and takes medicine at night that knocks him out. So all the articles on snoring that suggest weight loss and no sedatives don't work.

Usually I sleep with some white noise in the form of a fan, but I didn't pack one, and there's not one here. The bathroom fan is too far away. And I don't have any earplugs. But you can bet I'll be buying some tomorrow.

Toben just sat up a few minutes ago, got up and went into the bathroom. I heard him shaking pill bottles. When he came back to bed, I asked what was up. "I needed a drink," he said.

"Then what pills did you take?" I asked.

"My morning meds," he answered.

"But it's only 10 o'clock," was my response. Call me silly, but I thought morning meds were for morning.

"Oh, I was confused. Thought it was 5 a.m."

More snoring for a minute or two. I ask about the effects of taking medicine at the wrong time. No response.

"How is your stomach?" he asked.

"It's really hurting; I feel pretty horrible," I answered.

Pause.

"So that's good that you're feeing better," he said.

"No! I just said I don't feel good." At that point I gave up. There's no point in continuing the conversation. Because he won't remember it in the morning anyway.

So why am I sitting up in the dark and blogging? Somehow it helps to write it down, rather than to lay alone in the dark stewing about it. 

I know it may not seem like a big deal, but this happens a lot. Has happened a lot for years now. 

We talk about something--not even in the middle of the night but in the evening or as we lay in bed at night before falling asleep--only to have the same conversation the next morning. "I told you that last night," I say. "Oh," says he. 

Often followed by "No, we didn't." 

"Yes, we did," I say.

He'll agree with a whatever, but I can tell it's often more of a "Whatever you say, but you're making it up."

In my head, I know it's the result of the medication. In my heart, I feel hurt and ignored and brushed aside. To have him listen to me when I talk and remember what I say in the morning? I miss that.

So why blog tonight?

To show that it really happened, I suppose. To be able to point to something with a time and a date to validate the conversation. To show I didn't make this up.

To prove he really did take his medication when morning does come around. I don't know what the effect of doubling that medication could be--especially on top of taking it so soon after evening medication--but I doubt it would be good. His doctors have his medication very carefully timed for a reason.

Toben is Moody about Moody

This ramble brought to you by the Ambien I took two hours ago.

Tomorrow morning we are going to be on the Moody Midday Connection program, talking about mental illness and specifically bi-polar disorder.  Something with which I am unfortunately familiar. Not sure what we have to share other than our own story of woe...Oh yeah, and the hope that came with it as we started into recovery.  

I say "we started to recover" because mental illness isn't ever about one person--it is about families and family systems that get shredded and blown away as a sick person spirals down toward their own personal bottom.  It almost always creates a vortex into which those closest by get sucked in. Doesn't always happen that way.  Joanne was amazingly strong and didn't really get sucked in too much, but it did put one hell of a tear in our life--a hole I am still trying to mend, by the way. 

I think I'll always be trying to mend that tear.  If you rip something in two too badly you can spend your life mending, and even then it won't look perfect again, but at least the effort has been applied and maybe something new and off-beat and almost beautiful emerges from the tear. 

I think what we have today is beautiful, though not in a traditional sense.  Not in a Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best sort of idealized way, but in a "we love each other a lot and want to live out of that truth as often as we can" kind of a way. Most days that looks pretty good.  And it provides a pretty steady base of operations from which our kids can grow and develop.  

But it's not "smokin hot" yet.  I sometimes wonder if the damage done is too great to ever hope for that.  I wonder about the little damages that I do to myself every time I swallow my pills.  The longer I am on them I become a little less like me--the me I remember. Of course the real me isn't someone you would care to know. But back then, before it all blew up, I was really something--passionate, alive, crazy, spontaneous.

Now It's like in The Matrix when the choice is given between seeing the truth or seeing the lie, knowing that one way or another things are about to be inextricable altered.  

My pills?  They let me see the lie.  I KNOW the truth about me, about how my mind works, about how my thoughts and desires and self-loathing and fantasies and pathologies are vile and wicked.  And I know that my medicated self is a loving, slightly overweigth, sort of low-key, occasionally out of it but amusing,creative guy and a pretty good person. 

No meds = vile and wicked.  Meds = Happy Fat Guy. 

But it's the meds that make that later me possible. 

The real me is dangerous.  The real me would be dead ten times over.  The real me would have scars everywhere, more addictions than an AA meeting (and the DUIs to back it up, stratospheric debt, and nothing to show for it and no one, no friends, no family, no relationship of any kind.  I would crawl into my hole with all the booze I could afford cut myself up and die. Lovely.

The medicated me is a guy you would trust with your kids.  The medicated me is a guy who will stand and greet countless new families as they come to church on a Sunday morning, making them feel welcomed.The medicated me can sit and carry on a conversation with my eight-year-old daughter for an hour.  The medicated me can listen to every. single. Hannah. Montana, Song. over...and...over. And maybe even sing a long a little.  

The medicated me kisses Joanne when I leave for work and kisses her again when I come home but that's about the extent of it.  The medicated me is a solid contributor. The medicated me is a lot like a pudgy Mister Rogers who likes to take naps and put on comfy clothes as soon as he walks in the door and talk in low key tones and asks thoughtful questions.

The unmediated me is the devil himself.

So what do I do with all of that? The answer is blatantly simple.  I take the pills, all six of them every day.I take the anti-depressant, the mood stabilizer, the other mood stabilizer, the anti psychotic, the sleeping pill, and the cholesterol medicine that battles against the heart-ravaging side effects of these other meds.   

A gentler, softer more centered and whole and chemically propped up me. Yes, it's not all sunshine and roses.  I gained 40  pounds in four months and can't shake it (not that I am trying--the drugs give me a voracious appetite). I have to drink gallons of caffeine in the day to stay alert and then take sleeping pills at night to fall asleep.  I have lost almost all amorous inclination. I can be thoughtful, but not romantic. I have the emotional range of a 2x4--I know what I SHOULD be feeling--I get it intellectually.  But a rarely really feel it, in a visceral way, the way I used to.

But I take the pills, keep the devil at bay, and accept the consequences.  I look in the mirror every morning and night when I take them and I think, Without this, I could have killed myself today.  Pretty motivating seeing as I have SO MUCH to live for. Audrey, Emma, Joanne = the three best reasons to down those pills.  

I've heard people say, "That's the wrong motivation. You've got to do it for you, man!" I think that's crap,  I don't like me that much. But I am CRAZY about them.  

So past the teeth, over the gums, watch out stomach here it comes...sanity!

Toben: Second Opinion

Joanne's uncle Otis is a psychiatrist.  The last few times we have been together there hasn't been much of an opportunity to "talk shop" as they say.  But he and Martha were in town visiting with Joanne's folks and we had a big BBQ the other night and all got to hang out. So Otis and I got to chat for about half an hour.  Very interesting!  Told him about my meds and he had the following to say:

Zyprexa is the most powerful and effective drug for bi-polar.  Yes,the side effects are a drag (weight gain, cholesterol, high blood pressure) but the stuff flat out works.  If you can treat/deal with the side effects it's tough to beat. I totally concur!  Zyprexa, as much as I hate the side effects, keeps me sane.  Simple as that.  When I tried to kick it I totally lost it.  Now I am back on a half dose and maintaining, even in the midst of a stressful time.

Buspar is pretty light-weight.  Compared to Zyprexa, Buspar is far, far less powerful and effective.  Ditto!  I haven't noticed the Buspar has done anything for me.  I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and expect to stop taking it.

Paxil is really good for social anxiety but can produce hypo-mania in some patients.  Never had a problem with Paxil and I think it works pretty well for me. 

Wellbutrine is totally bad stuff for bi-polar patients and can trigger mania.  That is totally my experience.  When I was on it at the beginning of my journey into pharmaceuticals the Wellbutrine only made things worse.  So glad I got off that stuff!

Abilify is good stuff.  He said that he has a lot of bi-polar patients on a combo of Zyprexa and Abilify.  Problem is Abilify is even more expensive than Zyprexa!

He had some other interesting things to say and I REALLY APPRECIATE the time we had together.  It was like getting a second opinion for free. Thanks Uncle Otis!

Toben: Back on Zyprexa

I couldn't do it.  Lord knows I tried.  But I just can't get off Zyprexa.  At least not now.  There is so much going on: new job, impending move, etc.  So coming off Zyprexa was causing major anxiety attacks on top of all the uncertainty that is happening in our lives right now.  I have been back on a 5mg dose since Friday and haven't had an anxiety attack since Saturday. 

Toben: Figuring It Out

OK, I think I figured something out yesterday.  I think I need to take my BuSpar (which has been prescribed for twice a day) when I get up and more like 1:00 in the afternoon instead of at bedtime.  I have had anxiety episodes (not full-blown attacks) for the last few afternoons that are a total pain in the butt.  I can still sort of function but I just feel awful.  So I am going to try BuSpar before these set in and see if that helps me get through.  The weird thing about anxiety is that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  I can sit there and try to talk myself out of it, like "everything is good, no need to freak out" but I freak out anyhow.  And I become a little OCD.  I worry that I am going to miss an email or that someone will call me and I'll have to have a social interaction.  It's all very strange.  So yesterday I took a Buspar around 3 and started feeling better about 5:00.  It may be purely psychological, that I am just thinking the BuSpar is working so I calm down,  But I like to think that it really is helping. The blessing of all of this is that I am in good shape every morning and I can really crank on work for a good number of hours before I start to feel funky in the early afternoon.  But today is going to be different! I am going to get through the day with no anxiety event.  I can feel it!

Anyhow, I am going to give the BuSpar another week to get it done, and if I don't feel real relief it'll be back to the shrink for me.  That's why she's there--to help me feel better.  The worst case scenario is that I go back on Zyprexa, which worked so well for so long!  To bad it's horrible for me :( 

Joanne: Watching Toben switch meds

A couple of my friends have emailed me to ask how I'm doing with all the changes in medication for Toben. Good question!

I'm doing okay, for the most part, though I will say that it's hard. Because here's the thing--there's not much I can do about it. And I'd really, really love to wave my sparkly, pink magic wand and just fix it. 

I keep a close eye on him and ask a lot of questions. I find that the more we can talk about it, the easier it is for both of us. Sometimes just talking about how he's feeling, or what he's anxious about helps. Especially if he's obsessing about something. Somehow I think getting it out loud helps him get it out of his head a little bit.

At the same time, sometimes it's best just to let it go. Like the other night when he kept getting up to check his email over and over and over again like he described in his last post. I was able to tell him that it's dinner time, the work day is over for everyone involved in his job, and it was time to shut the lid of the computer and leave it be. I think maybe that helped some--to give him some concrete direction. But when he got up to check it anyway, drawing more attention to it after we had talked about it would just make him feel worse.

I just don't understand it. And I've learned to live with the not understanding and to accept it.

Last night he was feeling so badly--nauseated and dizzy and headache-y--and unable to really hang with the girls as they went to bed. Emma kept begging and he just couldn't. So that meant me explaining it to the girls a little more about what was going on and making sure we really prayed for Daddy as they went to sleep.

It's helped for us to have some good, long conversations. To focus on the dreaming about next year rather than the stress of it all. And even though we are excited, it IS stressful. I have to wonder about the timing of switching meds and then all this change coming up with a new job and a move. But I think know that God knows best, so we're just going to go with it!

And even though it's hard, we are talking. The last time we dealt with major medication changes/switches/adjustments, our life was stonily silent. So even though some of this reminds me of things that have happened in the past, just talking about it together is making it okay. In fact, as soon as he gets off the phone this morning, we're going to go for a walk.

Prayer is the biggest thing, really. With all the changes that would cause anxiety in anyone, I just keep on praying for him. And that's the best, most helpful, most powerful thing I can do when all is said and done.

Toben: Chemicals

Went to the psychiatrist yesterday.  Second time in two weeks.  Last time we met I was just a couple of days into coming completely off the dreaded Zyprexa.  I was having headaches and insomnia but I expected that.  She gave me Ambien to help me sleep.  Filled that prescription and slept like a baby that night.  Then the anxiety started.  I have certainly had anxious moments over the last years, and I have experienced normal stress reactions.  But this was something different.  It was all consuming anxiety and fear.  I was light-headed, the top of my head tingled, my arms and legs felt heavy, I got tunnel vision, and I felt a sick hollowness in y stomach. My heart would pound like it was trying to get out of my chest and my mind raced at 1000 mph.

First real attack happened before I was supposed to get on the plane to Branson.  I was totally freaking out.  I called the emergency line at the doctors off and the message said they would call me back in 15 minutes.  They never did.  So I took matters into my own hands and downed a Zyprexa.  It took about and hour but I began to feel the effects and was able to fly.  But I was very fragile for the next couple of days. 

I stayed on the Zyprexa because the other night, when I didn't take it I had another freak out.  It was a weird one!  I became totally OCD about my email.  I had to check it every 5 minutes.  I couldn't go anywhere in the house without thinking about my email and whether or not someone was going to send something that I might need to give an immediate response to.  I think some of this is related to taking a new job and wanting to do a good job.  I want people to think that I am on top of things and contributing, so put anxiety next to that and my behavior was a little wacky.  I got up four or five times during dinner to check it! Nuts!

So I got back into the shrink yesterday, explained what was going on and she gave me a prescription for BuSpar, which has one purpose: to eliminate anxiety attacks.  She also told me to stay on a half dose of Zyprexa until the BuSpar has a chance to kick in. So I took my first BuSpar last night.  The good news is that I didn't feel any anxiety.  The bad news is the nausea, the headache, and the dizziness. From what I have read on line that stuff subsides over time.  We'll see what happens.  Honestly I will put up with a LOT of physical discomfort to avoid the anxiety.  If you have had anxiety attacks you know what I'm talking about.  Sometimes it has felt like I am dying.  Want to avoid that feeling at all costs!  The full effect of the med is supposed to kick in after a couple of days and the doctor said to keep the Zyprexz on hand for attacks if one kicks up before the BuSpar kicks in.

two random thoughts: the first is that I am a little discouraged because I was so stoked to get down to three meds after being on four for so many years.  Now I am back up to five!  That's only for the short term but it does feel like a backward move.  Of course if it works you'll hear no complaints out of me.

The other thing is that I figured out the my shrink makes about $20 a minute.  That's a MINUTE!  Between me and insurance we spend $140 per visit.  The visits last between five and seven minutes.  WOW!  No wonder my psychiatrist in San Diego drove a Ferrari!

Toben: Off Zyprexa

OK, I stopped taking Zyprexa all together last Friday.  Like last time the withdrawal symptoms haven't been that bad.  I had one bad day with a wicked headache and that super spacey feeling.  And I have had horrible insomnia.  But I had my psychiatry appointment on Tuesday and my doc gave me some Ambien and that has helped me sleep.  I have noticed that my anxiety level is up but I think that's situational.  We are moving, making a job change, my car broke down, Joanne and I are going to be apart for almost a week, etc.  I have lived a very stable life for the last couple of years and have lost some of my ability to deal with change.  But I think it'll come back, and I think it's good that I am being stretched and challenged a little.  But I still wish I felt a bit better.

Yesterday I did chapel for a bunch of middle school kids at Denver Christian.  I talked to them about my addiction and mental illness and the challenges that come with that.  I told them that even though I had spent much of my life feeling like those things separated me from God the reality is that God was right with me all along.  And more than that, that he redeems all the junk that goes on in our lives.  Sometimes I think it feels like out suffering is pointless, and I suppose that sometimes it is.  But in my experience God loves to take our damaged stuff and use it to give hope and strength to others.  I hope that was an encouragement to those kids!

Toben: Minor Symptoms

Yesterday after I wrote about not having any withdrawal symptoms I got some withdrawal symptoms.  I should know better than to write this stuff because something always happens!  It really wasn't anything major:  I got really light-headed, had that sort of out-of-body feeling, a wicked ripping headache and some nausea.  It hit me around 2:00.  So I went back and worked in the cool quiet of the hotel.  At 4:00 I took my half-dose of Zyprexa, too 1000mg of ibuprofen and drank a large Diet Coke.  By 6:00 I was feeling better--still a little foggy but that was about it.  Got back tot he hotel and slept great again.  So today we'll see if this is a pattern as far as late afternoon symptoms go.  I know a lot fo people really suffer when they come off this stuff, so if a little afternoon weirdness is all I end up having to deal with then I will gladly soldier through that.  I am really not too distressed about the thought of physical effects.  My concerns run more to the mental effects.  As long as I can keep my head about me then I think I'll put up with whatever else happens. 

I am so excited to think about the day when I am down to just three meds.  I have been on four for so long that eliminating one feels like some sort of a victory.  And Mary the Psychiatrist said we might be able to get my off the Paxil too.  Down to two meds?  Are you serious?  That would be amazing.  And only one of those meds is psycho-active.  The other is my cholesterol medication that I need to take because of what the other meds have done.  Two meds!  That would be amazing.  I just sort of assumed I would have to be on this cocktail for the rest of my life. Oh the money we will save!  Plus I'll sort of feel more "normal."  There are a lot of people that are on one or two meds for depression or anxiety.  When you get up into the 4-5 med range that starts to seem a little more like crazy person stuff.  Nothing against people who are on tons of meds (I have been one), it's just that getting down to a couple will give me a self esteem real boost.

It's not that my self image/concept takes much of a beating for being bi-polar.  I am pretty open with it and for the most part I don't feel a lot of shame associated with it. Not sure why that is.  That's just how it has worked out.  But regardless, I do identify myself as being mentally ill as one of the primary things about me.  Like if a new friend said, " Tell me about yourself?" I would probably get around to the bi-polar thing pretty fast.  I would talk about my family first--it is the one of the most significant parts of my identity. I would talk about my faith.  I would talk about my work and volunteering, and then I would talk about the bi-polar/recovering alcoholic stuff.  Those are the four legs of my identity chair--family, faith, vocation/avocation, mental illness.  I wonder what it would be like if that wasn't part of my self-identified mix?  What if it just never came up?  I wonder if over time that'll change--if it won't be as significant a part of my identity?  Hard to imagine that day, but maybe getting down to a couple of meds is a step on that path.

Of course I hope that it will always be in the mix in terms of having opportunity to minister out of it.  I feel so lucky to get to walk along side people whoa re struggling with this stuff.  I love the fact that God allows me to offer hope and strength to those who are suffering.  Goodness knows that I have been the recipient of hope and strength from others (thanks AA!).  I never want to lose the ability/opportunity to do that.  I want to be all about the redemptive work that God is up to in and through my life. 

Feels good to be optimistic today! I don't have a lot of these days.  I am generally mildly upbeat but today I feel elevated in a really good way.  Hope it lasts!

Toben: No Symptoms

I think it makes a lot of sense to listen to your body, to pay attention to the way things effect it.  This is especially true when getting your meds worked out. But I have to tell you, I am ignoring my body as I come off of Zyprexa.  I read a great line from a doctor on some website I was cruising learning about what I could expect as far as withdrawal symptoms go.  He said, "What you have to be careful of is observing yourself too closely for when you do you tend to interpret the normal fluctuations as symptoms when in fact they are not symptoms, but rapidly changing states of mind that gradually become more integrated and less discrete." 

I like that.  I could easily see myself getting sucked in to thinking every stray thought, every change of mood, every physical twinge as a result of this med leaving my system.  I don't want to do that so I am choosing to not think about it much.  And to me relief, so far I don't think I am experiencing any of the symptoms that I was so worried I'd be dealing with.  Granted, I have only reduced my dosage by half, so it's not like I went cold turkey, but so far, nothing.  And I am only 48 hours in.  I slept great last night and insomnia is the withdrawal systems that I was most concerned about. 

Toben: Changing Meds

OK, here's the deal.  Turns out that Lamictal (mood stabilizer) isn't problematic for long term use.  That's good news.  Also turns out that Zyprexa is highly problematic for long term use due to excessive weight gain (50 pounds in my case), high cholesterol and...drum roll...DIABETES!  I don't have it yet (as far as I know) but there's no time like the present to get off this med and lessen the chances that my heart will explode thanks to high cholesterol or that I'll become diabetic.  Of course if it allows me to loose a few pounds that would be a bonus.  I have been taking cholesterol meds for the last couple of years to counteract the Zyprexa but we haven't been able to get it down under 170 for any length of time.  I have been as high as (gulp) 300. 

So starting tonight we are cutting my dosage in half.  We'll see what happens over the next fw weeks and if I am coming off it OK then we'll cut it out all together.  If I have trouble coming off it, then we'll make some adjustments to my Lamictal to try and compensate. 

She (Mary the psychiatrist) says that if I come off this OK she wants to talk about getting me off Paxil too.  I am on a low dose and she said I might not miss it.

But we are DEFINITELY staying on the Lamictal.  Thank goodness!  I have hear NIGHTMARES about trying to get off it. I'll stay on the cholesterol meds too--family history of high cholesterol.

I'll keep you posted.  If you see blog posts at midnight you'll know things are not going all that well :)

Toben: Today's Psych Visit

Today I go to the psychiatrist and I am obsessing on it a little.  I guess it's mostly fear of the unknown.  I chose this clinic from my insurance company website because of it's proximity to my house--I can almost see it from here. The doctor I have been assigned to is a woman named Mary.  But I have no idea what to expect.  When I chose a psychiatrist in California it came with a number of glowing recommendations.  I don't have that here.  Just proximity. 

But there is part of me that is excited as well.  I haven't been to a real psychiatrist in so long and maybe there are some new meds that I can try out that'll change a few of my current side effects, like weight gain and sleepiness.  My life would be very different if I could stay up past 8:00 at night.  Who knows, maybe some good will come of this. 

Toben: Going to the Shrink

I know I am going to take some flack for telling you this, but I haven't been to the psychiatrist in three years.  I know, I know.  I have been going to my regular doctor every six months, she asks me the standard questions and then writes me the prescriptions that I am so dependent on. This has worked well, but recently I discovered crazymeds.us and read up on a couple of my medications.  Everything looks good except for the fact that one of my favorite drugs, Lamictal, isn't supposed to be taken for a duration of more than 18 months.  I am about 18 months past that cut off!  I think that's probably a bad thing.  So I bit the bullet and made a psychiatric appointment today.  I hate doing this! 

Getting the right meds in the right doses at the right times of day was a nightmare! Seriously, it was a cruel six months to get all that worked out.  When we finally found the right combo it was life changing in the best of ways.  And I have stuck with it for three years now.  So the idea of having someone mess around with what I'm on is scary to me.  Besides that I have read all sorts of things about the negative effects of coming off some of these medications, ranging from seizures to headaches to whatever else.  Yuck!

At the same time I am in such a stable place that it is a really good time to make changes if we are going to do that.

The other thing is that I just found out today what my meds are going to cost me under the new insurance that I have.  My part of it is about $450 every three months.  And that's with insurance! $1800 a year!  I did the math and that means that the retail value on my medication is over $6000 a year.  That seems crazy to me.  Anyhow, if I can make a few changes we might be able to get that amount down.  The deal is that a couple of my meds aren't available in generic yet.  And even the generics are expensive. 

The other bummer is that my insurance for mental health doesn't kick in until after I meet the deductible ($2000).  So that means that in order to get my drugs changed so that they don't cost so much is going to cost me for the visits that will be required to make the change.  Seems like the insurance company would want me to see the psychiatrist so that my prescription cost would go down.  Instead they make me think, "maybe I should just leave well enough alone."  Of course I don't want to experience some wacky health effects from staying on Lamictal too long so I'll go pay the money and take the ride.

And while I'm on this topic, I will also tell you that insurance was tough to get.  Really tough. Bi-polar is considered to be one whopper of a pre-existing condition.  So I had to stay on COBRA from my old job for 18 months at $750 a month.  After that I qualified under HIPPA for a thing called Cover Colorado that provides coverage to those of us that meet a certain criteria and are otherwise uncover-able.  Now I pay more like $200.  So I'm not complaining!!! I feel so fortunate to have coverage at all.  If I didn't we wouldn't be able to afford my meds and who knows what that would mean--my guess is nothing good. 

Anyhow, I go next week so I'll tell you how it all turns out.  I totally picked a psychiatrist of my insurance companies web site based on how close the are to my house. Doesn't seem like proximity is the best way to select someone but such is life.

Toben: Another snapshot: A typical Tuesday these days

It’s a Tuesday morning. 

I am up about 6:30. The girls are still asleep and Joanne is just wrapping up her morning quiet time. I walk into the bathroom and take my pills--Lamictal and Paxil. 

It’s not that I mind taking them so much, it’s more that doing so reminds me, each and every morning, that something’s not right. But it’s usually not more than a fleeting thought, an acknowledgement. But I am thankful too that these drugs exist. Without them I’d be in trouble. 

I need coffee so I walk down stairs, say a quick hello to Joanne and pour myself a large cup. Upstairs again I take a quick look at the email that came in over night before I go into the girls' rooms to wake them up for school. Once they are up, they know the drill: get dressed, eat breakfast, wash faces, brush teeth, and get their hair done. 

I drive them to school each day and we head out at 7:40 sharp. First thing we do in the car is pray. We thank God for his blessings and provision. We pray for friends that are in trouble. We give the day to God. 

After drop off I am home 10 minutes later. Time to work! 

I start on emails, write the LCI blog, update facebook and Twitter. I make my calls, do whatever reading needs to be done. I don’t have the same frantic work style that I had years ago. I used to fly. Now it’s more like steady progress. Not getting as much done as I used to but I don’t feel as crazy either. 

Since it’s Tuesday Joanne doesn’t have school so it is nice to hear her in other parts of the house. Keeps me from feeling lonely. Joanne will pop into my office from time to time just to say hello. We have a number of little conversations throughout the day--makes me so thankful that I get to work at home. I work pretty steadily until lunchtime. Grab a bite to eat, go out for a massive Diet Coke and then back into the office until 2:30. Time to get the girls (and another massive Diet Coke). 

One of my favorite things each day is getting the girls from school. I get to be the first one to hear about their day. I get to catch up on what their friends are up to and what the homework load looks like for the evening. 

We get home, have snacks, and then hang out for a while until Audrey starts homework. I try not to put too much time into the office after they get home. I want to be available to them and exploit the advantage of working from home. Sure, I’ll maybe make a call or two and do a little email but it takes a back seat to being with them if they need me for anything. 

When Audrey starts homework I start to think about dinner. Tonight we are having spaghetti and meatballs. Seems like I make this every week but it is easy and tasty and filling. Emma helps me in the kitchen—she loves to help. Oh, and I take my evening meds—another Lamictal, a Zeprexa (my personal favorite) and a Vytorin that I need to drive down the cholesterol that these other meds have driven up. 

When I take my evening meds the clock starts to tick. In three hours I’ll be asleep. Doesn’t much matter what is going on--I’ll be out of it. For whatever reason I don’t have the same feelings about my evening meds as I do about my morning ones. I like the fact that I can count on a good night of drug-induced sleep. I had insomnia so bad for so long that anything that gives me a good night of sleep is a positive. 

We eat together, maybe read a little of the Bible together, and then the girls go about their evening tasks--bath, brush teeth, lay out clothes for tomorrow. Emma is usually in bed before Audrey. I snuggle with her and we talk about whatever comes to her little mind; it’s something different every night. We say our prayers. I like to stay in bed with her until she is asleep which usually takes about 15 or 20 minutes. I sneak out. 

Audrey prefers to have her snuggles in my bed so we hang out in my room and talk about her day and whatever else comes to her little mind. It’s something different every night. We say our prayers. When she is just about to fall asleep she lets me know that she is ready for bed and I follow her to her room to tuck her in. My three hours is up and I am ready for sleep. 

Joanne is next to me in bed with her headlamp on, reading for school or for pleasure. I say goodnight. Before I drift off, which doesn’t take long, I think back over my day. Pretty normal stuff. Nothing too happy or too sad has happened which is just how I like it.

 

I value equilibrium more than anything. Had that today. My relationships are intact, my family is all under one roof, we have had all that we have needed for this day, and I am thankful for that. I fall asleep hoping for more of the same tomorrow. May sound boring to some, but to me it is a perfect day.