Our Crazy Marriage

Toben: Reboot

I turn 40 at the end of this summer and I couldn't be more excited about it.  I hated turning 30 but for whatever reason 40 sounds cool to me.  Feels like the official midpoint of my life and as much as anticipating that is causing me to look backwards at what got me here, I am having a lot more fun looking forward to where we'll go next. So I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to reboot my life.

On the Mac you reboot when you get the spinning rainbow of death.  At least I do.  I am sometimes too impatient to wait for whatever is going on to resolve itself so I just start over. I feel like my life has been that rainbow wheel for the last few months; like there are things that needed to be resolved that just weren't happening.  So I hit the power button and here we go!

The big thing is that I have resigned from Mission to move back to Denver. Believe it or not, I got a word from the Lord a couple weeks ago (this never happens to me). He told me that I'm not good at what I was trying to do and that that was OK. I didn't have to keep striving to achieve success when I am really not gifted in the areas required to achieve that success.  He filled me with confidence and since resigning I have had a sense of peace about the whole thing.

The tough part is that we have dearly loved Mission and the friendships that have sprung up from there.  The people are amazing and we have been fortunate to have the opportunity to connect with so many of them.  Each of those friends will be missed. There are a couple of relationships in particular that make moving especially difficult--friends that are more like family. But when I heard God's voice I took it seriously and sprang into action.

Aside: I have a tattoo that reads: Jump First, Fear Later.  That has so defined the last couple of weeks--God said jump and I did.  I am sure the fear will come at some point, but right now I am just reveling in the fact that I am in his will for our family.

The good part is that the reboot is taking us back to the last time/place we were really content.  Some of our very best years as a family occurred in our yellow house in Willow Creek.  We were close to Joanne's folks which is a huge deal to me.  We had a house that we loved that was a reflection of who we are as a family.  We had the girls in a school that was fantastic.  We had a church home.  Joanne was in seminary and loving it.  I have wanted all that stuff back, and God has moved in my heart to make that happen. We had good friends there too.

Another big deal: Joanne's sister and her family now live over by us.  The girls will get to grow up with their aunt, uncle and cousins! I can't imagine anything much better than that.

Joanne has already registered for a seminary class which thrills me.  My goal is for Joanne to be able to pursue her studies the whole way to her doctorate.  She is so gifted and loves to learn more than anyone I have ever met.  Being in seminary is a good and right thing for her that God is going to use in some amazing way.

At the girl's request we will continue to homeschool. The only difference is that we will have family around to help out from time to time.  The girls are excited for Papa to do their science experiments with them. 

I need a job.  That will be the main stresser in this whole transaction.  But I have faith that God knows exactly where he wants me, so I will hustle to find something but I will also trust him and be listening for his voice.

So the reboot is on.  The screen has lit up, the desktop is appearing but the screen saver is different than what was up there before.  And the files are a bit rearranged.  And there are a couple of new programs in the dock. It's still my life.  It's still my family.  It's still my walk with God. But it's a whole bunch of change too.  I couldn't be more stoked!

I feel like I got an early birthday present from God: a chance to hear his voice.  I love that.  Thanks God!

I could write a whole other post about all the little things that happened and didn't happen to make this move possible. But I'll leave it at the fact that God has has directed for months to get us into this place.  He is a God of order and I can see it all laid out behind us now.  He has moved to make this just the right thing.

Toben: Addiction

Been reminded lately of how destructive addiction can be.  We have a great friend who is wrestling with one right now and it is heartbreaking for a lot of reasons. It reminds me of my own battle with alcoholism.

After I got diagnosed as bi-polar I was in a lot of pain and denial.  I didn't want to be bi-polar.  A lot of that had to do with the fact that everyone I had heard about who struggled with it was a disaster.  I didn't want to be that guy. So I decided to self medicate.  I spent the first eight months after my diagnosis drunk. Literally. 

I had a routine.  I would never drink during the day.  For whatever reason I could make it until after work.  Then I would drive to a little convenience store about five miles from my house and buy high alcohol content beer (which is nasty tasting). I would drink the equivalent of s six pack in about five minutes while I drove to the beach parking lot at Grandview.  I would throw my empties away there and then head for home.  By the time I pulled into the driveway I would be drunk.

In my crazy thinking I rationalized that I wasn't really driving drunk because the time between when I drank and when I got drunk was about the same amount of time that it took me to get home.  I am so lucky that I never got pulled over or hurt anyone.

I thought I was fooling everyone but I wasn't.  My intervention was on August 27th 2004.  My first AA meeting was on August 28th.  I went to 88 meeting over the next 90 days and countless meeting after that.  I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of years.  For whatever reason I am not tempted by alcohol these days.  But if I started to feel the pull I would be back in a meeting in a second.

So I'm thankful today for my sobriety. I am regretful for what it did to Joanne and the girls but we have come a long way since then.  Joanne was the one who really got hurt. The girls were so young that I'm not sure they remember much about those days (that's a blessing).  Fortunately a lot of healing has taken place and we are in a good spot today.

So today I am praying for my friend that she can beat this thing and that she will come to know a better life than she has known before. It's possible.  It's a lot of hard work.  A lot.  But it is possible.

Toben: Crazy Thoughts

The last few days have been tough ones. I went from feeling like a million bucks earlier in the week to being totally overcome with anxiety the last few days. I hate it.  I hate it. I hate it.  There have been some triggers but nothing that should have taken me so far over the edge.  I wish I could talk myself out of it, that logic would overcome my thoughts and feelings, but that's not how anxiety works. It just is. 

I feel horrible because I know Joanne suffers through these bouts.  She so badly wants to help but sometimes there is nothing she can do.  Today we did have the opportunity to just sit and talk and that actually did help.  I know she is on my side and that she loves me.  I wish I could just exist in that space, knowing that truth, instead of going crazy. 

What is TwoIgnite?

Here's a video that shares a little more about what Toben's working on these days:

What is TwoIgnite? from Timothy Allen on Vimeo.

Toben: Posession Test

I  took the "The Demon Test" on the Bob Larson website.  Here is my score:

Your test score is 17

You are at low risk for demonic oppression/possession.

Thank goodness.

Toben: Demon Posession? Really?

We got a comment on the blog that my bi-polar is actually just demon possession.  Interesting.  I wonder how many people there are out there that think this way?  It raises a lot of questions for me.  If you believe that there is no mental illness, only possession, does that mean that you think all physical ailments like caner or diabetes are spiritual issues too?  Also, if someone is a Christian but also mentally ill, then it seems like those may be mutually exclusive.  If I am a Christian I can't be demon possessed because I am sealed in Christ.  But if I am mentally ill (or possessed) then I can't be a Christian. Am I making any sense?

Believe me, If I could pray this away, it would have been gone a long time ago.  I know there are dozens of people that have prayed for me and continue to pray (for which I am very grateful).

Link for Moody's Midday Connection interview

Here's a link for the program we did with Moody's Midday Connection earlier this week. If you missed it and want to listen, you can by clicking here.

(BTW, this new blog design doesn't seem to highlight links, but if you move your mouse over the text, links will show up as underlined. Oops! Nope, looks like it changes your arrow to a pointing finger.)

Based on the calls, emails, and comments we've received, we'll be doing our best to answer some specific questions here in the next week or so. Stay tuned!

Toben is Moody about Moody

This ramble brought to you by the Ambien I took two hours ago.

Tomorrow morning we are going to be on the Moody Midday Connection program, talking about mental illness and specifically bi-polar disorder.  Something with which I am unfortunately familiar. Not sure what we have to share other than our own story of woe...Oh yeah, and the hope that came with it as we started into recovery.  

I say "we started to recover" because mental illness isn't ever about one person--it is about families and family systems that get shredded and blown away as a sick person spirals down toward their own personal bottom.  It almost always creates a vortex into which those closest by get sucked in. Doesn't always happen that way.  Joanne was amazingly strong and didn't really get sucked in too much, but it did put one hell of a tear in our life--a hole I am still trying to mend, by the way. 

I think I'll always be trying to mend that tear.  If you rip something in two too badly you can spend your life mending, and even then it won't look perfect again, but at least the effort has been applied and maybe something new and off-beat and almost beautiful emerges from the tear. 

I think what we have today is beautiful, though not in a traditional sense.  Not in a Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best sort of idealized way, but in a "we love each other a lot and want to live out of that truth as often as we can" kind of a way. Most days that looks pretty good.  And it provides a pretty steady base of operations from which our kids can grow and develop.  

But it's not "smokin hot" yet.  I sometimes wonder if the damage done is too great to ever hope for that.  I wonder about the little damages that I do to myself every time I swallow my pills.  The longer I am on them I become a little less like me--the me I remember. Of course the real me isn't someone you would care to know. But back then, before it all blew up, I was really something--passionate, alive, crazy, spontaneous.

Now It's like in The Matrix when the choice is given between seeing the truth or seeing the lie, knowing that one way or another things are about to be inextricable altered.  

My pills?  They let me see the lie.  I KNOW the truth about me, about how my mind works, about how my thoughts and desires and self-loathing and fantasies and pathologies are vile and wicked.  And I know that my medicated self is a loving, slightly overweigth, sort of low-key, occasionally out of it but amusing,creative guy and a pretty good person. 

No meds = vile and wicked.  Meds = Happy Fat Guy. 

But it's the meds that make that later me possible. 

The real me is dangerous.  The real me would be dead ten times over.  The real me would have scars everywhere, more addictions than an AA meeting (and the DUIs to back it up, stratospheric debt, and nothing to show for it and no one, no friends, no family, no relationship of any kind.  I would crawl into my hole with all the booze I could afford cut myself up and die. Lovely.

The medicated me is a guy you would trust with your kids.  The medicated me is a guy who will stand and greet countless new families as they come to church on a Sunday morning, making them feel welcomed.The medicated me can sit and carry on a conversation with my eight-year-old daughter for an hour.  The medicated me can listen to every. single. Hannah. Montana, Song. over...and...over. And maybe even sing a long a little.  

The medicated me kisses Joanne when I leave for work and kisses her again when I come home but that's about the extent of it.  The medicated me is a solid contributor. The medicated me is a lot like a pudgy Mister Rogers who likes to take naps and put on comfy clothes as soon as he walks in the door and talk in low key tones and asks thoughtful questions.

The unmediated me is the devil himself.

So what do I do with all of that? The answer is blatantly simple.  I take the pills, all six of them every day.I take the anti-depressant, the mood stabilizer, the other mood stabilizer, the anti psychotic, the sleeping pill, and the cholesterol medicine that battles against the heart-ravaging side effects of these other meds.   

A gentler, softer more centered and whole and chemically propped up me. Yes, it's not all sunshine and roses.  I gained 40  pounds in four months and can't shake it (not that I am trying--the drugs give me a voracious appetite). I have to drink gallons of caffeine in the day to stay alert and then take sleeping pills at night to fall asleep.  I have lost almost all amorous inclination. I can be thoughtful, but not romantic. I have the emotional range of a 2x4--I know what I SHOULD be feeling--I get it intellectually.  But a rarely really feel it, in a visceral way, the way I used to.

But I take the pills, keep the devil at bay, and accept the consequences.  I look in the mirror every morning and night when I take them and I think, Without this, I could have killed myself today.  Pretty motivating seeing as I have SO MUCH to live for. Audrey, Emma, Joanne = the three best reasons to down those pills.  

I've heard people say, "That's the wrong motivation. You've got to do it for you, man!" I think that's crap,  I don't like me that much. But I am CRAZY about them.  

So past the teeth, over the gums, watch out stomach here it comes...sanity!

Toben: At a church?!

I think some of you have probably followed along on this blog or through Facebook or twitter and are aware that I am now working as a marriage ministry director at Mission Community Church.  Who would have thought five years ago, considering the shape I was in that I would be working at a church, and helping others improve/enjoy their marriages.  I think this has to be part of God's sense of humor--let's take a guy that trashed his marriage and put him in marriage ministry.  Amazing!  Of course, God has done amazing things in restoring Joanne's and my marriage (a total redemption story) so maybe it makes sense that he would put me in a position to help other marriages.

The ministry we are starting is called Two Ignite. The purpose is simply to get couples learning some basics and having fun with other couples.  There is no curriculum.  We have an application coming out in a couple of months that will facilitate that better called tripfire, but at Mission we are jumping right in.  The week of September 13th we have over 60 couples at our church hosting some crazy adventures with friends--everything from bowling to pool parties to sky diving and sushi making.  I am so stoked that so many couples are going to get connected for the purpose of having fun.

Now, onto a mental health note.  Some of you know that I was REALLY wrestling with anxiety attacks before we left Denver.  My psychiatrist had tweaked my meds a little and that turned out to be a bad thing!  I knew better than to mess with them, but at the same time I thought it would be sort of cool to have one less (expensive) med to take. Not sure why I thought that.  But anyhow I am still on the dreaded Zyprexa but at about half the dose I was on before. I have been incredibly stable for the last 45 days. 

That stability is coming for a few reasons.  The first is good friends.  I have a support down here, and one friend in particular, that helps me keep my head on straight.  I had great friends in Denver too, no doubt.  But this particular friend turns out to be very "therapeutic"for me.  The second is routine.  I get up, I do a little email, drink my coffee, get ready and go to work.  I am usually there form 9-4 and then I head home.  I stay busy and like my office environment and the people I get to work with.  The last is that things are very stable at home.  Joanne is homeschooling the girls and they are all loving it!  If there was school drama that would push me.  But home/family life is a total stress-free zone.  Love it!

My birthday is tomorrow and that always reminds me of my sobriety date.  My first AA meeting was August 27, 2004.  I'll have to blog more about that in a few days.

Toben: Second Opinion

Joanne's uncle Otis is a psychiatrist.  The last few times we have been together there hasn't been much of an opportunity to "talk shop" as they say.  But he and Martha were in town visiting with Joanne's folks and we had a big BBQ the other night and all got to hang out. So Otis and I got to chat for about half an hour.  Very interesting!  Told him about my meds and he had the following to say:

Zyprexa is the most powerful and effective drug for bi-polar.  Yes,the side effects are a drag (weight gain, cholesterol, high blood pressure) but the stuff flat out works.  If you can treat/deal with the side effects it's tough to beat. I totally concur!  Zyprexa, as much as I hate the side effects, keeps me sane.  Simple as that.  When I tried to kick it I totally lost it.  Now I am back on a half dose and maintaining, even in the midst of a stressful time.

Buspar is pretty light-weight.  Compared to Zyprexa, Buspar is far, far less powerful and effective.  Ditto!  I haven't noticed the Buspar has done anything for me.  I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and expect to stop taking it.

Paxil is really good for social anxiety but can produce hypo-mania in some patients.  Never had a problem with Paxil and I think it works pretty well for me. 

Wellbutrine is totally bad stuff for bi-polar patients and can trigger mania.  That is totally my experience.  When I was on it at the beginning of my journey into pharmaceuticals the Wellbutrine only made things worse.  So glad I got off that stuff!

Abilify is good stuff.  He said that he has a lot of bi-polar patients on a combo of Zyprexa and Abilify.  Problem is Abilify is even more expensive than Zyprexa!

He had some other interesting things to say and I REALLY APPRECIATE the time we had together.  It was like getting a second opinion for free. Thanks Uncle Otis!

Toben: New Ministry

I have to get better about blogging on here. Things have been a little crazy lately and I just haven't gotten around to it.  Mostly what is making things crazy is that we are moving to Phoenix for a year so that Joanne and I can help launch a marriage ministry at Mission Community Church in Gilbert, AZ.  Joanne has started to pack up the house.  Fortunately we are not taking all of our stuff, just enough to get by--clothes and a few key pieces of furniture.  We have a family moving into our house in July (long story) so we have to make the place ready for them as well.  That means cleaning out the closets, etc, so that they can really settle in.

Feels a little weird to be a part of a marriage ministry.  My perception is that marriage ministries are run by people with perfect marriages that have it all together.  Not the case with us.  We have a good marriage but I'm not sure I would want to hold it up as a model or anything.  Lord knows we have been very, very far from perfect in the past.  And even today I think our marriage bears the scars of my drinking and metal illness. But that is part of what we are trying to do with this new ministry--it's not about having a perfect marriage, it's about doing something about it.  I think a lot of couple are struggling or unhappy but they don't take any action to try to make it better.  They just suffer through it. 

The idea is to get couple together to learn from each other, regardless of their age or stage.  In our church they want couple with 10 years of marriage to come alongside younger couples.  But what if a newly marriage couple could spend time with a couple that only has a few more months of marriage then they do?  I bet they could learn something from each other.  And an older couple might learn a bunch from a younger one.  So it's sort of a peer-learning model.  Should be a lot of fun to work with.

On the mental health front things are relatively stable.  I am back on a half dose of Zyprexa and it seems to be doing the job.  I was trying to come off of it but with everything going on it's just not time to make a meds change.  In fact I wonder if I'll ver come off of it.  When I tried it was horrible.  I think if I was every to try to come off of it again I would have to take a few weeks off of work and go on vacation or soemthing else so that I was stress free in the process of kicking it seeing as every little thing creates anxiety spikes.  I think I could come off of it if I could spend a couple of weeks at a beach house in Hawaii!

Toben: Back on Zyprexa

I couldn't do it.  Lord knows I tried.  But I just can't get off Zyprexa.  At least not now.  There is so much going on: new job, impending move, etc.  So coming off Zyprexa was causing major anxiety attacks on top of all the uncertainty that is happening in our lives right now.  I have been back on a 5mg dose since Friday and haven't had an anxiety attack since Saturday. 

Toben: Figuring It Out

OK, I think I figured something out yesterday.  I think I need to take my BuSpar (which has been prescribed for twice a day) when I get up and more like 1:00 in the afternoon instead of at bedtime.  I have had anxiety episodes (not full-blown attacks) for the last few afternoons that are a total pain in the butt.  I can still sort of function but I just feel awful.  So I am going to try BuSpar before these set in and see if that helps me get through.  The weird thing about anxiety is that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  I can sit there and try to talk myself out of it, like "everything is good, no need to freak out" but I freak out anyhow.  And I become a little OCD.  I worry that I am going to miss an email or that someone will call me and I'll have to have a social interaction.  It's all very strange.  So yesterday I took a Buspar around 3 and started feeling better about 5:00.  It may be purely psychological, that I am just thinking the BuSpar is working so I calm down,  But I like to think that it really is helping. The blessing of all of this is that I am in good shape every morning and I can really crank on work for a good number of hours before I start to feel funky in the early afternoon.  But today is going to be different! I am going to get through the day with no anxiety event.  I can feel it!

Anyhow, I am going to give the BuSpar another week to get it done, and if I don't feel real relief it'll be back to the shrink for me.  That's why she's there--to help me feel better.  The worst case scenario is that I go back on Zyprexa, which worked so well for so long!  To bad it's horrible for me :( 

Toben: Chemicals

Went to the psychiatrist yesterday.  Second time in two weeks.  Last time we met I was just a couple of days into coming completely off the dreaded Zyprexa.  I was having headaches and insomnia but I expected that.  She gave me Ambien to help me sleep.  Filled that prescription and slept like a baby that night.  Then the anxiety started.  I have certainly had anxious moments over the last years, and I have experienced normal stress reactions.  But this was something different.  It was all consuming anxiety and fear.  I was light-headed, the top of my head tingled, my arms and legs felt heavy, I got tunnel vision, and I felt a sick hollowness in y stomach. My heart would pound like it was trying to get out of my chest and my mind raced at 1000 mph.

First real attack happened before I was supposed to get on the plane to Branson.  I was totally freaking out.  I called the emergency line at the doctors off and the message said they would call me back in 15 minutes.  They never did.  So I took matters into my own hands and downed a Zyprexa.  It took about and hour but I began to feel the effects and was able to fly.  But I was very fragile for the next couple of days. 

I stayed on the Zyprexa because the other night, when I didn't take it I had another freak out.  It was a weird one!  I became totally OCD about my email.  I had to check it every 5 minutes.  I couldn't go anywhere in the house without thinking about my email and whether or not someone was going to send something that I might need to give an immediate response to.  I think some of this is related to taking a new job and wanting to do a good job.  I want people to think that I am on top of things and contributing, so put anxiety next to that and my behavior was a little wacky.  I got up four or five times during dinner to check it! Nuts!

So I got back into the shrink yesterday, explained what was going on and she gave me a prescription for BuSpar, which has one purpose: to eliminate anxiety attacks.  She also told me to stay on a half dose of Zyprexa until the BuSpar has a chance to kick in. So I took my first BuSpar last night.  The good news is that I didn't feel any anxiety.  The bad news is the nausea, the headache, and the dizziness. From what I have read on line that stuff subsides over time.  We'll see what happens.  Honestly I will put up with a LOT of physical discomfort to avoid the anxiety.  If you have had anxiety attacks you know what I'm talking about.  Sometimes it has felt like I am dying.  Want to avoid that feeling at all costs!  The full effect of the med is supposed to kick in after a couple of days and the doctor said to keep the Zyprexz on hand for attacks if one kicks up before the BuSpar kicks in.

two random thoughts: the first is that I am a little discouraged because I was so stoked to get down to three meds after being on four for so many years.  Now I am back up to five!  That's only for the short term but it does feel like a backward move.  Of course if it works you'll hear no complaints out of me.

The other thing is that I figured out the my shrink makes about $20 a minute.  That's a MINUTE!  Between me and insurance we spend $140 per visit.  The visits last between five and seven minutes.  WOW!  No wonder my psychiatrist in San Diego drove a Ferrari!

Toben: Anxiety Attacks!

I am going through a lot of change right now. I am getting a new job, leaving an old job, moving this summer, going off Zyprexa, etc.  All of it has lead to a lot more stress than I am used to.  I think Joanne and I are both very conscious of my stress level and we try to do what we can to keep it pretty low.  I think I have mentioned before that my ultimate goal is equilibrium--not too high and not too low.

Anyhow, all this stress sort of came to a head on Sunday.  I was getting ready to fly to Branson, MO for some meetings and my brain just totally went wonky.  Full on anxiety attack.  I hadn't taken a Zyprexa in a week and had felt the anxiety building but wanted to try and tough it out. So I was dealing with it. Until Sunday. 

I had all the classic symptoms--I was sweating, had tunnel vision, I was light headed and my skull was tingling, I had this sick, hollow feeling in my stomach, my legs felt heavy. The whole deal.  So I took a Zyprexa and called the emergency line at my psychiatrists office.  I thought maybe there was something that they could prescribe for me before I had to get on the plane that would take the edge off.  I had to leave a message and it said that they would call me back withing 15  minutes.  Well, that came and went and the time just continued to tick by.  They still haven't called me back!

Eventually I had to take the girls over to Shanna's house--she was taking them to church with her while I went to the airport and Joanne was just getting back into town.  I drove them over there in a total fog and kissed them goodbye at door.  I was sort of "out of body" so I felt bad that I wasn't engaging them more.  Anyhow, I started to drive out to the airport when the Zyprexa finally started to kick in.  What a weird deal to actually feel meds starting to work, to feel the scary edge come off.

I spent the next few hours in a very fragile state.  I think it was maybe Monday morning before I felt mostly back in control.  I was still a little whacked out but not as bad.  I took half a Zyprexa that morning and that helped.  Turned out that Monday was a really good day.  That helped a ton!  Tuesday was even a little better, so the demons were kept at bay.

Yesterday I got back from Branson and I got to spend a bunch of time with Joanne which I am convinced is the best medicine.  Didn't take a Zyprexa yesterday and felt fine without it.  I also got some fresh air yesterday which I think is a big help.  Anyhow, it was a reminder to me that even though my illness is held at bay thanks to my meds, it is still right there, waiting to strike!  What a lousy feeling.  A lot of times, thanks to the drugs and a stable life it almost feels like I'm not sick.  Then something like this happens and I spin totally out of control and I am reminded that I have to really take steps to stay sane. 

I suppose it is a good reminder every once in a while to go through something like this.  I know a lot of people that start feeling better and quit there meds all together and then everyhting falls apart.  An episode like this reminds me that I HAVE to stay on.  The other thing is that it reminds me to do what my sponsor always talked about: I can't borrow trouble from the future.  Instead I have to focus on what's going on in the moment.  Do I have a family that loves me right now.  Do I have a house to live in right now.  Do I have clothes to wear and food to eat right now, etc.  This has been a very helpful exercise for me over the years because I love to stress about stuff that is way off. 

So, I survived it.  I am OK today.  I am still a little freaked out that it happened and just slightly fragile. But I am home.  I am surrounded with family and familiarity.  Life goes on.

Toben: Off Zyprexa

OK, I stopped taking Zyprexa all together last Friday.  Like last time the withdrawal symptoms haven't been that bad.  I had one bad day with a wicked headache and that super spacey feeling.  And I have had horrible insomnia.  But I had my psychiatry appointment on Tuesday and my doc gave me some Ambien and that has helped me sleep.  I have noticed that my anxiety level is up but I think that's situational.  We are moving, making a job change, my car broke down, Joanne and I are going to be apart for almost a week, etc.  I have lived a very stable life for the last couple of years and have lost some of my ability to deal with change.  But I think it'll come back, and I think it's good that I am being stretched and challenged a little.  But I still wish I felt a bit better.

Yesterday I did chapel for a bunch of middle school kids at Denver Christian.  I talked to them about my addiction and mental illness and the challenges that come with that.  I told them that even though I had spent much of my life feeling like those things separated me from God the reality is that God was right with me all along.  And more than that, that he redeems all the junk that goes on in our lives.  Sometimes I think it feels like out suffering is pointless, and I suppose that sometimes it is.  But in my experience God loves to take our damaged stuff and use it to give hope and strength to others.  I hope that was an encouragement to those kids!

Toben: Talking Her Down

Had an interesting call yesterday from a friend of a friend.  Not sure how she got my number and we've never talked before but because she read one of my books (Wrecked) she felt like I might be someone she could talk to for a minute.  This friend of a friend lost her boyfriend and her job over a 48 hour stretch.  She had a couple of years of sobriety under her belt but the stress of it all drove her back to the bottle.  She had been drinking non-stop for four days, including putting away a bottle of vodka on Easter Sunday.  She said "Isn't that sick?"  I said that of course it was but that's what drunks do--they get drunk.  The fact that it's Easter doesn't change that.

I told her to go to a meeting.  There isn't much else to tell a person in her situation.  It's not like any of us are capable of exerting our will to curb our addiction.  If we could do that we wouldn't be alcoholics in the first place!  From the call it sounds like she is battling some other issues as well and is on medication--alcohol is such a bad mix with any psycho-active drug!  Anyhow, I hope she made it to that meeting. And I hope she makes one today...and one tomorrow...and one the next day. 

Indicators: Toben

Like Joanne said, hindsight is 20/20.  Although I think I can look back a little further than her in seeing indications of a looming problem.  I was depressed as far back as high school.  I don't really remember any manic episodes but I know I did a little cutting and I know I ended up in therapy and I spent a lot of time in the counseling office at school.  Most of this, at the time, was attributed to having a mentally ill sister and her effects on me and our family.  But some of it was probably the beginning stages of my own mental illness.  On top of that, there is some family history of depression.

The next phase, college and just beyond, was a season of hypo-mania and self medication.  I was perpetually up and drank heavily to try and come down a bit, so that I could interact casually with friends and Joanne and so that I could "turn my brain off."  The thing about hypo-mania is that it's not full blown, obvious mania and can look a lot like productivity, energy and an outgoing personality.  But I did my best to cover it up with booze. 

Then I quit drinking for a bunch of years and threw myself into work.  I'm not sure I was a full blown workaholic but I was borderline.  And on top of that this phase was marked by my spending addiction.  I bought a lot of stuff, including about 8 cars during this phase.  I was still self medicating, but if in a different way.  I also remember periods of depression in there starting to develop.  They were'nt long term debilitating depressive episodes, but I definitely had "down" periods.  The other big deal during this season was sever anxiety.  I had regular attacks.

Then we moved to California and all my systems fell apart.  It changed enough stuff to throw everything out of whack and trigger major depression.  If you've read the blog you know that I tried to self-medicate with alcohol again to try and regain my equilibrium (dumb way to go about it) and it didn't work at all.  Because I was in a depressive cycle it just got worse.  I think if I had stayed manic or hypo-manic I probably wouldn't have been diagnosed.  I actually think I would have been rewarded for my mania--that whole productivity, upbeat, outgoing thing.  It's God's grace that a depressive episode triggered a series of events that got me help.

Then meds, then therapy, then AA and the beginning of the "new normal" which is the state I find myself in today.  So looking back I know that I was always either really up or really down.  There was no in between for me.  There was anxiety and most of all my story is one of self-medication to try and cope.  I can't remember a time since high school that I wasn't self-medicating in some way.  Now I go to professionals for my medication :)

Toben: Hearing Hard Stuff

We got a great question from a reader this morning.  She asked how we deal with the "hard stuff" that comes along in every life, every relationship, every family.  Specifically she was asking about "bad news" and how that is delivered and received in our relationship.  Good question!

Joanne will need to answer for herself at some point (she is on blogging break this week) but I think (hope) she feels free to tell me about whatever is going on or needs attention, good or bad.  I am pretty stable, if I do say so myself, thanks to a barrage of medication that I am on and the support of friends and family and the medical community, etc. So I think, knowing that, she says what's on her mind.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  Even though I am bi-polar I want to be fully apart of and involved in my family and I would hate to feel like Joanne was walking on eggshells around me.

Of course this was a very different story when I was first diagnosed and totally out of my head.  During those days Joanne kept EVERYTHING from me. We were just trying to get the wheels back on so she protected me from everything, even her own concerns and fears and feelings. And I know that if Joanne thought that I was in a serious slide she would protect me again. But not these days; not when I am relatively "normal."

Here are a couple of recent examples:

Months ago Joanne's dad, who is one of the most important people in my life, was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.  He turned out to be OK, but it was a great concern to our family.  But I have to admit that it didn't "feel" all that bad to me. Intellectually I was concerned for him, but thanks to the mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and atypical anti psychotics, I was just not capable of "feeling" an event like this.  I feel horrible even saying this because I want to feel horrible when something like this happens.  But I just don't. 

Yes, yes, yes, it registers and I am concerned and inside my limited range of emotion I feel something, but NOTHING like what I used to feel.  I tell you what: I MISS those strong, overwhelming feelings, because it felt ALIVE! If I was going to go off my meds (and I'm not) that's why I'd do it.  I miss the very high-highs that came with mania and the very low-lows that came too.  I know that sounds weird but even feeling that bad I was at least feeling.  Now I am limited. I can't remember the last time I cried.

But weirdly enough a very different reaction occurred a few months ago when I told Joanne (or was found out) that I had been blowing our money and had gotten us into debt.  I had MASSIVE anxiety attacks in the days after that, feeling like I couldn't breathe, suicidal type anxiety attacks.  So I did what I have done before when I feel this way: I cut.  This is a subject for a whole other post, and suffice it to say that it is really, really hard to explain to people how this works or what it does, but when I am in that state it makes perfect sense and relieves the anxiety for a little window of time. Whatever.  So even on all these meds something about this particular event got the best of me and pushed me as far as self injury.  I have tried to figure out what it was about this one that is so different than the other countless bad/sad events that have happened over the last four years.

The first and most obvious is that Joanne freaked out and she almost never does that.  Mostly she is so stable and level headed, but this situation pushed her over the edge, and I fed on that big time.  I think she could tell me anything, no matter how bad, and if I saw that she was OK or keeping it together somehow (even if she was pretending), then I would be able to deal.  But when she freaks, I freak.  That is a terrible responsibility for her to bear, but that's just part of the deal.  Her stability in our home is part and parcel of my equilibrium. Sounds like co-dependency, doesn't it?  Oh well, it seems like a minor character defect compared to all the other stuff we have had to deal with.

The other thing is that I felt like I hurt my family, like I had done a terrible thing to them.  I LOVE my family and they mean more to me than anything in this world and I am in desperate need of them.  And feeling like I had somehow hurt them was more than I could stand.  They have stood with me through everything and I have dragged them to hell and back and I never, never want to do that or feel that way again.  But when I felt like I hurt or jeopardized them, I couldn't handle that.

I guess I want to make a distinction between sad events and anxiety inducing events.  Sad doesn't phase me much (gees I hate saying that--makes me feel like a total jerk).  But anxiety inducing events can still get to me.  I'm not sure what makes a sad event cross over to produce anxiety. 

I guess this is just part of mental illness.  Sometimes something doesn't phase me badly that probably should.  Other times, a situation can get the best of me and take me into a very dark place.  I can honestly say that since I got diagnosed, medicated, and sober have had less than two or three of the catastrophic, freak-out, self-injuring sort fo events.  That's not bad over four years. 

But I know this: as much as possible I want to know it all, the good, bad and ugly of our life.  If I felt that in my current state Joanne was holding back a bunch of tough stuff, then I would feel even more defective and disabled then I already do from time to time. I don't want that.  And I don't want that for her.  I think if she had to protect me from everything all the time she would go nuts. But every relationship is different; every situation is different.  Every mentally ill person has their own unique problems and needs.  I'm not saying that everyone is like me or whatever, only that this is how it works for us. 

Toben: Intervention

If you can avoid doing an intervention, or especially being the subject of one, I highly recommend it.  I was the subject of one on August 27th, 2004.  It sucked.  I don't think it was a planned intervention where everyone sort of got together and talked about letting me have it but it definitely worked out that way.  At the time I didn't think so, but looking back I realize that it was the work of the Holy Spirit, moving among my friends and family, to do what needed to be done.

We were sitting around the fire pit behind our home.  It was me, my aunt and uncle, a few close friends and Joanne.  One by one they started telling me what my drinking was doing to them, what they saw it doing to me and what I was about to loose if I didn't get help. The list included my home, my job, my family, my friends, and just about everything else that should have mattered to me. I was drunk at the time, so I listened for a while and the anger built and built until I couldn't deal with it any more.  I told them to all go jump in a lake (not the exact words which are unfit to print) and went to bed.

That night I clearly remember laying there in bed making plans to become homeless.  I thought through what I needed to pack into my car. I thought about where I would drive to.  I thought about how I would go about cleaning out our bank accounts so that I would have money.  And I thought that what I would do with that money is drink myself to death.  I had no intention to spend years on the streets.  I would take a few hundred dollars, buy as much vodka as I could carry, go hole up and drink till I died. I remembered the movie "Leaving Las Vegas" where the main character does just that.  As horrible as this idea might have seemed to a sane/sober person, it seemed realistic and almost comforting to me.  I could finally just give in and get it over with.

I went to sleep with these plans on my mind.

In the morning this didn't seem like quite as good an idea.  I got up and drove to Pannikin for a cup of coffee and on the drive I picked up the phone to call my uncle to ask him to find me an AA meeting to go to.  Honestly I wasn't interested in going to get help, I was interested in going to get everyone off my back.  I thought I'd go to a few meetings until everyone chilled out and could keep on doing what I was doing.  It took him about 5 minutes to find me a meeting on line and it happened to just be a few blocks away in Encinitas.  It was a Sunday morning (the 28th) that I walked into my first meeting. 

It was packed but I found a chair against the wall.  As the meeting started I was asked to introduce myself and it was the first time I said the words, "My name is Toben and I am an alcoholic."  I only said that because everyone else did it.  Little did I know that those are words I would repeat a hundred times.  Here's the miracle: within ten minutes of being in that meeting I heard God talk to me.  I have rarely heard God's voice in any sort of perceptible way, but I heard it.  As the drunks around me began to share their stories God said, "This is for you."  That's it. And he was right. It is at that point that AA saved my life.

I went to 88 meeting in 90 days.