Toben:Update

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted on here.  And SO much has happened, both good and bad. Probably the biggest deal is that I fell off the wagon and started sneaking beers about six weeks ago.  What an idiot! For some reason I was just driving down the street past the Circle K and thought, "A beer sounds pretty good right now."  I pulled in, bought one, drank it and the world didn't end or anything.  So over the next two weeks a snuck more beers until I got caught by the girls.  Joanne has suspected I was drinking but I had denied it.  What an incredible betrayal of trust! I still can't believe that I blew it.  What a foolish act.

So that got me started back in recovery.  I now go to AA, to CR (Celebrate Recovery), I got a sponsor and I am doing step work--the full gamut.  It actually feels pretty good to be back in recovery.  I feel like it is giving me some spiritual direction.  I am spending more time focusing on Jesus (my "higher power") and thinking about how I can turn my will and my life over to him every day.  It is getting me out of bed early each morning and putting my head on straight for the day.

Joanne and I are still doing our morning meetings.  It is probably the highlight of my day.  We ready the Bible together, we talk about our day and the stuff we need to get done for twoignite, for school, or for whatever else.  We always finish with prayer.  It is incredibly grounding.  I tend to wake up with anxiety each morning about what the day will hold, but being with Joanne reminds me about what is important: my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with Joanne, my relationship with the girls and then everything else.  With that in the front of my mind I usually go into the day in a good place.

The final development is that Joanne and I are going to counseling together. We have both done counseling individually over the years, but not together.  We found a great counselor who we both really like and she has been helpful.  It's funny because she's not coming up with anything revolutionary, just reminding us of the little things we can do that make life better.  My favorite suggestion of hers was that we need to remember to dream and to keep things that we are looking forward to out in front of us.

That may seem like a small thing but I can't tell you the impact it has had.  For me, most of what I have been looking forward to over the last years is basically the end of pain. I think forward to a point in time where I imagine I will be able to live anxiety free for a few days.  But I haven't had fun things out there that I am stoked about.  Since she suggested that a couple of things worth looking forward to have come up.

The first is our trip to Denver this summer.  Yes, it'll be a mixed bag because we will be officially moving out of our house there to prepare for our new renters.  That will be hard. But it'll be so good to be around family!  The next is that I turn 40 this summer and I am really looking forward to it.  I am trying to get a golf trip to San Diego put together with a few buddies.  I really want to bring families along and just turn it into a big, fun four day weekend.  The last is that Joanne's parents have given us a week of their banked timeshare time.  We have been knocking around ideas of where to go (probably in September).  We were talking about it over dinner last week and Emma blurted out, "How about Oregon?" We all looked at each other and decided that that wasn't a bad idea at all.  So we are going to see what's available up there. Having stuff to look forward to is a blast!

I guess all that's left to talk about is work.  Things are going pretty well.  I am feeling pretty worn out from just wrapping up our Grand Opening at the church. We had three bands/concerts, three guest speakers and a ton of other programmatic elements all crammed into a six week period.  What a wild time! I learned a lot and felt like I got to contribute to the life of the church.  Love that feeling! Now that that is over Joanne and I can really jump into twoignite with both feet.  We have so many plans and ideas.  I love getting to work with her on this stuff.  She is amazing!

So, to sum up: I blew it but God is using my mistakes to draw me closer to him.  I am rebuilding trust with Joanne and the girls (the best part of my life), I am working my program, going to counseling and plugging away at the church.  This may sound weird but it all has me in a relatively good head space.  Yes, I still struggle with anxiety, insecurity and a desperate need to be a people pleaser. But it's not out of control the way it has been in the past.  It is in check.  That's about it.

Comments

[Holly @ Crownlaiddown]

New every morning, friend, His mercies are! We love you all so very much and are praying for your dreams to come to reality. Praying for the Presence of the living God to continue working mightily through you. Your thorn may just be the salvation of many. Love to you and Joanne and those precious and beautiful girls! If we can help with your moving out, let us know.

Holly

[CherryTreeLane]

God is a God of mercy and forgiveness. We each screw up and He is so good to forgive us.

Thinking of you both.
My love,
Rachel

[Kimberly]

So glad all is out in the open. My husband confessed some stuff to me the other night...hard but good...secrets never end well. I will be praying as you walk together through counseling. We have done it for a few years and so glad we have. Now we have some tools to pull out when we need it. Thanks for sharing!

[Shawn]

"Its never too late to start over and finish well"-Gary Norton. Hang in there brother. Good to see you at CR. That takes a lot of guts. We will be praying for you and your family.
Shawn