Joanne: Submitting

Thanks for all the great comments on Toben's post about being the head of the household. Wow, is this tricky! It's tricky for your average couple, but then throw in some mental illness and you've got tricky times ten.

Right up front I'll say we do not have this all figured out and tied neatly with a bow. This is a daily thing we're still figuring out, still talking about, still working out. Leadership/submission--it's definitely a work in progress around our home.

That said, it seems like there's some room for some more discussion here. A couple of things that stand out to me from my own story and from your comments--especially for women whose husbands aren't leading because of mental illness:

1. It's less about taking over and wanting to be head of the home than it's about filling in and just doing what needs to be done.

Especially when there are children in the home, someone has to make the decisions, someone needs to provide leadership--physical, emotional, and spiritual. As a Christian, God is the ultimate head of our home, but children definitely need "someone with skin on" to be in charge. Someone needs to provide training, teaching, instruction, discipline. 

(Of course, this should come from both parents, but the Bible clearly describes a particular order of responsibility for the family. I've heard it taught that submission is about order and connection rather than importance or value or power--it helps me to think about it that way. Just as a company is organized to function productively and efficiently, so are families. And in that, we all submit to one another in love as the Apostle Paul says at the end of Ephesians 5.)

For a mom to do that isn't not submitting, it's being responsible for our kids. My motive wasn't just to be the boss because I wanted to be the boss, it was doing it because it needed to be done and Toben couldn't or wouldn't.

2. When a husband is ready and willing to become the head of the home, there's a process of stepping back down and making room for him to step up.

This is where we're living right now. And it's tricky some days. 

I'll go ahead and be totally honest and say that I like being in control. I like being the boss--even though I complain about it. Fickle me. At the same time, when I examine my heart, what I really want is for Toben to lead our family. And so it's time for me to step back.

In that, I do have some responsibilities. To let him be the leader. To tell him that I need him to be the leader. To support him as the leader--especially in front of the children. To ask questions when I don't understand what he's doing (but NOT in front of the kids!). To be honest about my needs and wants. To encourage him in his leadership.

Why? Because this is all relatively new and scary to him and he wants to do it well. He knows there's a lot at stake and feels a lot of pressure to do it right. He could very easily sit back and let me keep doing his job. But he's choosing to be courageous and do the thing. And I love that. 

It's still messy some days. Some of our patterns run pretty deep. But we're learning, talking, communicating a lot more than we ever have. (Those morning meetings are making a huge difference. Can't encourage you in that enough!)

Any other thoughts?

Comments

[Susan]

I'll let ya know. When I'm done crying. This really hit a chord with me.

[linda t]

What an important post Joanne.
Submission really is about "letting" the other lead in their strengths... and protecting those areas of weakness that maybe the other is better equipped to lead in. We can get stuck on "roles" rather than freeing the other to operate out of who God made them to be. We can bring into our marriages what we saw modeled in our parents and demand that the other fill that model. And when they can't they hide and isolate and withdraw.
It sure can get messy. But good for Toben... and for you in trusting God with Toben and his process.