Toben: Head of Household

Got a great question on the blog about what a wife is supposed to do when her husband, as a result of mental illness or addiction or whatever else, can't really fulfill the proper role as "head of the household." What a tough one! But it's a reality for a lot of wives.

When I was in the deepest, earliest days of my breakdown, diagnosis and addiction I was not any sort of a husband or father, let alone the "head' of anything.  I got lucky: Joanne jumped in a took over.  I know that might sound weird, but today, looking back I am so thankful that she took over because it represented a huge protection for the girls.  She made it possible for me to be essentially out of the picture (because I was) without the wheels completely coming off in our home.

Another thing that I think really helped her is that my psychologist told her to use her instincts and to not let me get away with stuff.  Now this one is going to sound really weird but essentially he told her that if she wouldn't let the girls get away with a particular behavior then she shouldn't let me get away with it either. And she did just that.

There were nights when I would come to the dinner table and be completely unresponsive, not eating, treating my family like they didn't even exist.  More than once Joanne excused me from the table and told me that if I couldn't engage and if I wasn't going to eat that there was no reason for me to be there.    

To put it bluntly, she entered a mode where she refused to take any crap from me.

This was good for the girls.  It provided them stability when I was very, very unstable. But it took a massive toll on Joanne.  It was damaging and has probably left some permanent scars.  Things are healed up but there are evidences of the wounds she suffered. I regret that I put her in a position where she had to parent me too. But she did what she had to do to survive and to protect the kids.

What about today? I am pretty stable these days, largely as a result of having my meds figured out.  I still battle anxiety, but it comes and goes and I have things I can do to address it when it comes up, including verbalizing to Joanne just how I am feeling so she isn't left guessing as to why I'm acting one way or another. I think communication has really been the key that has allowed us to get back to relative normalcy. As hard as it can be, we are talking more now then we ever have, about everything. 

And we are still learning as we go.  There are still things that I have a really tough time talking about, but I choose to celebrate our progress rather then focus on the lack on my perfection.

Comments

[Kimberly]

I had to step in has the head of our house when my husband had a break down. He was so sick and mentally suffering he did not really mind. The challenge was when he got healthy again (medications working) I had to slowly step down as the head as he step back up to the plate. That took time and a lot of communication.

[Fibromommyx3]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for answering this question. We believe that men are supposed to be the head of the household, but no one ever has an answer for me when I ask about the mental illness part. Some are naive thinking it should be the same for a "normal" couple, but it is completely different. And finally I have found someone who has verbalized it.

It helps me feel that I wasn't undermining God and taking over, but was filling in while my husband was unable. I was doing what my family needed, keep us afloat. And now, as my husband is becoming stable again, and learning new things, he is taking over. And it feels good. I might always be in the wings ready to jump in when I need to, but I am loving that he is taking control.

[Jacki Dy]

Just finished reading good resource book
by kay jamieson called "unquiet minds"

go to library or get it on line....talks of her own life battle with bipolar and meds.
God is faithful to all of us
happy EASTER

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=719071139]

Ben and I are kind of stuck at that point. My bipolar seems to manifest in outbursts of anger, and the girls end up getting the brunt end of it. I already know he doesn't do that because he's scared of me--not because I get violet, but I get pretty mouthy and hurtful. How did you react to Joanne when she stood up to you like that, and how did you finally bring yourself around to admitting to yourself that she was right?

[Joelle]

Thank you Toben for your perspective. Being in this same situation with my husband, it is difficult (especially within the context of the church) to know how and when to shoulder the responsibility of the family. I think one of the most painful aspects is feeling as if I'm going against God's design for marriage, and yet, if I don't my boys will suffer. It is a very strange and painful dance. We haven't cleared the other side, but God has given me a great hope that my husband will be able, in time, to embrace the role he was created by God to fill in our home. I so appreciate you and Joanne's open and honest dialogue with the "world" via the internet. I have been encouraged time and time again by your journey. Thank you!

[Mary]

I've been trying to comment on this for a month now and I just don't know what to say. In 2001 I became the main breadwinner, lead parent and sole keeper of the house and household manager. For several years my husband was a warm body living in this house. I dealt with a lot of it by basically just ignoring his presence. My son (age 5 then) and I just lived our lives as if he didn't exist. We made our plans, went places, talked and ate meals together much as a single parent would. He grew to depend on me for everything and to this day (age 14) he still comes to me for the final answer. He doesn't feel like his dad can make a decision and to be honest, many days I feel the same way. My husband still is not motivated to do any more than the bare minimum to get by each day. He isn't a spiritual leader either. I don't know how to react to all this. I feel like I have to parent both of them and I feel like I'm going against God's will by not submitting to my husband. But, how do you submit to someone that only wants to sit and read or sleep? I can't wait for him to decide we should do family activities or go to church because it will never happen. I also know that my son is getting a very messed up idea of what a christian marriage is supposed to look like but I don't know how else to keep us going. It's just so hard.