Our Crazy Marriage

Toben: Head of Household

Got a great question on the blog about what a wife is supposed to do when her husband, as a result of mental illness or addiction or whatever else, can't really fulfill the proper role as "head of the household." What a tough one! But it's a reality for a lot of wives.

When I was in the deepest, earliest days of my breakdown, diagnosis and addiction I was not any sort of a husband or father, let alone the "head' of anything.  I got lucky: Joanne jumped in a took over.  I know that might sound weird, but today, looking back I am so thankful that she took over because it represented a huge protection for the girls.  She made it possible for me to be essentially out of the picture (because I was) without the wheels completely coming off in our home.

Another thing that I think really helped her is that my psychologist told her to use her instincts and to not let me get away with stuff.  Now this one is going to sound really weird but essentially he told her that if she wouldn't let the girls get away with a particular behavior then she shouldn't let me get away with it either. And she did just that.

There were nights when I would come to the dinner table and be completely unresponsive, not eating, treating my family like they didn't even exist.  More than once Joanne excused me from the table and told me that if I couldn't engage and if I wasn't going to eat that there was no reason for me to be there.    

To put it bluntly, she entered a mode where she refused to take any crap from me.

This was good for the girls.  It provided them stability when I was very, very unstable. But it took a massive toll on Joanne.  It was damaging and has probably left some permanent scars.  Things are healed up but there are evidences of the wounds she suffered. I regret that I put her in a position where she had to parent me too. But she did what she had to do to survive and to protect the kids.

What about today? I am pretty stable these days, largely as a result of having my meds figured out.  I still battle anxiety, but it comes and goes and I have things I can do to address it when it comes up, including verbalizing to Joanne just how I am feeling so she isn't left guessing as to why I'm acting one way or another. I think communication has really been the key that has allowed us to get back to relative normalcy. As hard as it can be, we are talking more now then we ever have, about everything. 

And we are still learning as we go.  There are still things that I have a really tough time talking about, but I choose to celebrate our progress rather then focus on the lack on my perfection.

Joanne: The morning meeting

Something else we're doing differently since December is having a morning meeting. Every single day. 

 

We sit in our big comfy chairs and talk through our day. How we're feeling. What we're hearing from God. Our plans for the day. Cares. Concerns. Work stuff. Newsy stuff we forgot to tell each other. Stuff about the girls and parenting. Fun stuff. Hard stuff. 

We drink coffee. I eat a bowl of Cheerios with some yogurt and blueberries. Toben reads to me from Scripture. We talk about it. We hold hands. We pray.

It takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the day. And Fridays just don't work for more than a few minutes as Toben's coming in from his AA meeting and I'm going out to a standing coffee date with a friend.

Nothing fancy. Nothing too complicated about it. But this small practice of a morning meeting has made such a difference in our marriage in the past few months.

We feel more connected. More united. More on the same page. And we know that we have time set aside each and every day just for us. A time and a place to talk about whatever needs to be talked about.