Joanne: What we've been doing differently

It's been kind of quiet around this blog since December and our trip to the mountains for a weekend of pretty intense (who am I kidding? really intense!) counseling.

Some of it related to Toben's being bipolar, but mostly it was just about us. About each one of us as individuals, about us as a couple--about all that married stuff that accumulates over eighteen years of marriage.

It was so hard. And so good.

We came back and I didn't really blog much about it. Some of it is just private, some of it was still too new to share.

But as I look back on the past two months since that weekend, there are a couple of things that stand out to me. And here's one that I especially want to share with you this morning.

I had given up on some things in our marriage and used Toben's bipolarity as an excuse.

There are things I had stopped hoping for, stopped working toward, stopped pursuing, stopped praying for. I let mental illness have the last word.

Please hear me on this--yes, we deal with a bipolar diagnosis and it is real and it is hard and it does affect some things in our marriage. But it had become my catch-all excuse for giving up and quitting when I needed to persevere and pray and simply hang on.

Communication hard? Blame Toben's being bipolar, rather than pursuing him and working at it.

Parenting challenges? Blame Toben's being bipolar and just get good and mad and feel really justified in my anger, rather than talking about how we want to parent as a team.

Struggling with intimacy? Blame the medication and give up, rather than creating romance and persevering.

Lots and lots of blame.

I learned some hard things about myself that weekend. Came face to face with the fact that I just up and quit in many ways. I didn't like seeing that--at all.

I've taken back some responsibility in our relationship that is rightfully mine. I don't want to give up and sit by and blame this bipolar/addiction thing. I want to rise to the challenge and work through it, around it. 

For better or for worse, the hard things of addiction and bipolarity are just part of our relationship. Along with the hard things of my pride, my stubbornness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness. Everybody's got something.

So the question becomes this: What are we doing with the marriage we've got? What are we doing in this marriage to make great marriage?

Comments

[angela]

All I can say is... I need to hear that.

[Meredith]

Glad you came to see it. Especially since I am the "Toben" in my marriage. I label myself that way my husband does not. I knew you would get there. Rigorous honesty works. I have found some of your posts very hard to read but they helped me all the same. Big Hug.

[ginger]

Thanks for this, Joanne. I struggle with being the bipolar partner in my marriage & wondering how many of our problems/issues stem from that. I was just thinking that I needed to focus more on me & less on us. You have me re-evaluating that decision now. I think I at least need to involve my husband in some of my doctor appointments to help him better understand me. He is so supportive, but it always seems to be from a distance if that makes any sense.

[dawn]

so honest and good, Joanne.

[Joelle]

thank you for sharing your insights...I am taking to heart your words and holding the mirror to my face to examine the areas I have let fall to the wayside "because of" mental illness in my marriage. Afraid for the hard work that will ensue, but rejoice for the changes I know will take place...most importantly in my heart...thank you!