Our Crazy Marriage

Joanne: What we've been doing differently

It's been kind of quiet around this blog since December and our trip to the mountains for a weekend of pretty intense (who am I kidding? really intense!) counseling.

Some of it related to Toben's being bipolar, but mostly it was just about us. About each one of us as individuals, about us as a couple--about all that married stuff that accumulates over eighteen years of marriage.

It was so hard. And so good.

We came back and I didn't really blog much about it. Some of it is just private, some of it was still too new to share.

But as I look back on the past two months since that weekend, there are a couple of things that stand out to me. And here's one that I especially want to share with you this morning.

I had given up on some things in our marriage and used Toben's bipolarity as an excuse.

There are things I had stopped hoping for, stopped working toward, stopped pursuing, stopped praying for. I let mental illness have the last word.

Please hear me on this--yes, we deal with a bipolar diagnosis and it is real and it is hard and it does affect some things in our marriage. But it had become my catch-all excuse for giving up and quitting when I needed to persevere and pray and simply hang on.

Communication hard? Blame Toben's being bipolar, rather than pursuing him and working at it.

Parenting challenges? Blame Toben's being bipolar and just get good and mad and feel really justified in my anger, rather than talking about how we want to parent as a team.

Struggling with intimacy? Blame the medication and give up, rather than creating romance and persevering.

Lots and lots of blame.

I learned some hard things about myself that weekend. Came face to face with the fact that I just up and quit in many ways. I didn't like seeing that--at all.

I've taken back some responsibility in our relationship that is rightfully mine. I don't want to give up and sit by and blame this bipolar/addiction thing. I want to rise to the challenge and work through it, around it. 

For better or for worse, the hard things of addiction and bipolarity are just part of our relationship. Along with the hard things of my pride, my stubbornness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness. Everybody's got something.

So the question becomes this: What are we doing with the marriage we've got? What are we doing in this marriage to make great marriage?

Toben: Parenting

Got an anonymous comment about the stresses of parenting on a bi-polar dad.I haven't had this conversation with other bi-polar parents but I can tell you that for me, the kids (9 and 11) are more a centering, calming influence on me than anything else.  In fact one of the most centering things I do is snuggle with them in bed at night.  For me, it calms anxiety and causes me to focus on what is really most important.  Of course I am medicated and not currently dealing with mania or depression aside from some basic anxiety. 

I will add a caveat: when I am really whacked out, especially manic or having an anxiety attack, I am not capable of parenting well.  It's almost like I know my kids are there, and I can hear them talking but I can't really hear them. Does that make sense? But then again, I can't do any relationships well when that stuff is going on.

So to anonymous: don't be afraid of becoming a parent.  It has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me.  I am very fortunate in that I have Joanne as a partner in all this and when I go downhill she is there to take up the slack and provide stability for the kids.  And of course, like I tell everyone: take your meds, see your psychiatrist and avoid isolating.  Other then that, take it one day at a time and enjoy the blessings of family that God has provided.