Our Crazy Marriage

Joanne: The season we're in

While I was waiting for Toben to come downstairs this morning for our morning meeting, I realized it's been ages since we've blogged here. I've been blogging over at The Simple Wife as usual, but it's not quite the same.

So.

We've been in a very nest-y kind of season around here. Which will probably make sense to women, but I'm not sure how that translates to men. Let me try putting it this way: We've been turned a little bit inward, focused on our family of four, getting settled back into Colorado life, establishing routine and pattern. 

We've found a church, a routine for the week that works for homeschooling, for Toben's working (here's what he's doing these days), for my being back in seminary. And we've been paying close attention to those things. Not to the schedule for schedule's sake so much, but noticing what's working well for the whole family, what needs to be changed or adjusted or tweaked. (Wrote about it some here too.)

Part of that tweaking is turning outward again. We are looking ahead to serving at church now that we're feeling settled there. We are noticing our empty guest room and wanting some company. We are adding some things into the weekly routine--one-on-one time for the girls with my mom, dinner each week with them, Bible study for me, regular dinners with another family, maybe church on Wednesday nights.

Life just feels really normal these days--a steady rhythm of daily life. And we're enjoying it. 

Joanne: Sharing a good word

I recently mentioned this little book while blogging at The Simple Wife. (You can read what I had to say about it here.) But I'll just go ahead and say again how much I appreciate its straightforward approach. It is gentle, but firm. And being written in the first person drives the point home to me and pierces my heart.

I knew that this morning's reading would have something just for me from the title alone: Control. There are certain words that describe seasons of my life, themes that God is driving home to me. Some are for a season; others seem to be for life. Trust. Full. Transformation. Control.

Control is one that seems to be for life. Though I am learning to let go. (Hmm...let go. That seems to be another recurring phrase lately.)

Anyway. Today's reading on control from this book is one I felt compelled to share with you.

CONTROL

Entrust your loved ones to Me. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands.

Sometimes you confuse loving others with rescuing them. When a loved one has a problem, you often feel responsible to come up with a solution. Then you plunge headlong into problem-solving mode, as if you're obligated to provide sound advice. I want to help you stop feeling responsible to fix people since that is My role--not yours.

It is My prerogative to bring about change in people's lives as I choose to do so. You can be part of the process, but remember that I am the Author and Director of the drama. You need to follow My script rather than creating your own. Do not usurp My role in people's lives, no matter how much you long to help them.

When you feel compelled to rescue a loved one, take a good look at the quality of your love. Learn from Me, because I have all authority in heaven and on earth: I could rescue or control anyone at will. Yet I intentionally created people with the capacity to choose good or evil. I wanted them to be free to love Me--or not. Love that has no choice is not real!

Subordinate your deficient, controlling love to My perfect, empowering Love. Prayerfully release your loved ones into My protective care. Restrain your urges to solves their problems. Instead, use your time and energy to listen to them and pray for them. Trust in My Love and My unsearchable wisdom. I can work changes in your loved ones' lives beyond anything you might ask or imagine. As you release these precious ones to Me, linger awhile in My unfailing love--for them and also for you.

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and earth has been given to me." (Matthew 28:18)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

Toben: Changes for the Better

Wow, a lot has happened since I posted last.  If you've read Joanne's posts you know a lot about what has gone on.  The big deal is that we moved back to Colorado after a year in Phoenix.  It was a good learning year for us down there and we made some friends that we will have for life, so that's a good thing for sure.  But being back in Colorado has been amazing.

The biggest thing is that we are surrounded with Family.  Joanne's folks are two miles away.  Her sister and her family are another five miles further along.  My folks are just down the freeway in Colorado Springs.  And then there is the mish-mash of sort-of relatives that live nearby.  It's amazing to have so much family so close.  We probably see someone from our extended family every day, and it is a treat.  The girls are especially loving the time with their grandparents, cousins and Aunt and Uncle.   So the family part is great. There is just love and support from family that is special and unique in the world of relationships.

On top of that there are some friendships here that we have fallen back into.  It's pretty cool to flip through my contacts list in my phone and to have friends here that I can meet up with for lunch or coffee.  Not that I couldn't do that in Phoenix--it's just nice to know that I still have friends here that are great to hang out with.  And being back with them makes me realize how much I missed them.

Still weighing the church thing.  There are a lot of things we like about our church (Cherry Hills Community) but Audrey hasn't taken to the youth group yet.  Of course she has only gone once, but she wasn't blown away.  A lot of that probably has to do with how much she loved the Jr. High group at Mission.  But we are going to give it a couple more weeks and see if she settles in.  Small groups start in September and if we can get her into one of those and get her some connection to a cool youth leader I think she'll be all set.  One way or another, youth group is going to be a huge part of her life.  Being home-schooled that'll be her primary opportunity to make friends.  Of course she still has friends from her days at Denver Christian and she has gotten to hang out with a few of them which is really cool.

Emma is bopping right along.  She loves having Gran and Papa nearby.  She loves having her swing tied up high in in one of the big trees in our back year.  She loves the baby bunnies that live under our deck (she has even gotten close enough to touch one). And she is into cooking--loves to help Joanne out in the kitchen.  All in all she is a pretty irrepressible kid. Oh, and she has become addicted to the Cosby Show. Not a bad choice.

After a month with no work I finally landed a great, fun, challenging client that will take up most of my time for the foreseeable future.  I really wasn't sure what God was going to provide--a regular office job, an opportunity to continue to consult or something in the fast-food industry.  But consulting looks like it'll be the deal for the time being.  I'll talk more about my new gig in a future post, but suffice it to say that I couldn't be more excited or blown away by God's providence.  I still need to add a few clients to really make ends meet, but I am on the path to seeing that happen and I just have a sense that God is going ahead of me on this one.

We had money set aside that would allow us to make it for a few months, and for some reason I thought God was going to take us up tot he very edge before he provided.  I have heard so many stories lately of families that we taken right to the edge before God  provided a job and an income.  But for whatever reason God didn't wait with us. Not sure why that is and I have been pondering it for the last couple of days.  

The great thing about having a month off is that I had a chance to do everything around the house that needed done--touch-up painting, yard work, attacking the honey-do list from Joanne and getting everything put away from our move.  I got to be super helpful around the house and now that I am back at work, it is very satisfying to know that everything is done.

On a spiritual note: this whole experience has changed my perception of God to some greater or lesser extent.  First of all, God told me to move that family back to Colorado.  It wasn't quite an audible voice, but almost.  Then he provided for us financially in almost a widows-jar-of-oil sort of way.  We just continued to have enough money to make it.  Then he provided a great client ahead of what I assumed might be his schedule--he surprised me with that one.  All of this has lead me to believe that maybe God cares for me in more tangible ways than I thought he did.  Maybe he has a great plan for me and for our family instead of keeping his distance.  Maybe he wouldn't have told me to pack us up and move back here if he wasn't also going to provide a job. Maybe he is more involved in my day-to-day life than I realized. Nonetheless it is causing me to reevaluate some of my assumptions.  

So I guess that's where I'm at.  I feel a peace that I haven't felt in a long time and I have felt it since we moved back.  I have had my days where some anxiety and a little mania have crept in but on the whole I have been stable and that feels really good.  

And it feels really good to be home.

Joanne: Possibilities

I grew up listening to the best Christian music ever. Stuff like The Music Machine and Bullfrogs and Butterflies and the Gaither kid songs. 

I've been thinking about some of those songs since last week when my friend Janna stopped by and her kids were listening to the Gaithers in the car: "I wonder what it's like to wake up in the belly of a whale? I'm just a child, my life is still before me. I just can't wait to see what God has for me. But I know that I can trust him, so I'll wait to see what life will be for me."

Funny how the lyrics came rushing back so suddenly. She promised to make me a copy of the CD. My girls may be a little old for some of it, but I can't wait to listen to it for myself. And something tells me my girls will totally love it. Even my almost-twelve-year-old-super-cool-pre-teen. Even though she'll pretend she doesn't.

Makes me think too of the one that goes: "I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a promise. With a capital P, I am a great big bundle of potentiality!"

(Phew. Long intro to the point I'm slowly trying to make...)

I'm thinking about possibilities this morning. Toben is looking for work here in Denver, and while there's nothing solid, nothing nailed down and absolutely sure at this point, there are lots of potentials, lots of possibilities. 

And while I really like the sure, the certain, the absolute, the plan with every contingency built in, I'm choosing to stop and just delight in the possibilities. The dreams. The what ifs, the maybes.

'Cause when it comes right down to it, "I know that I can trust him, so I'll wait to see what life will be for me."

Joanne: Knocking on wood while I write this

So we have moved back home to Denver. And I have to say, it's been really good (like really, really good) and Toben and I are in a pretty great space. Which is why I'm knocking on wood. Because isn't moving supposed to be stressful? Not to mention the whole Toben-doesn't-have-a-job-right-now thing?

Weird. These are two of the however many there are BIG stress things out there. And yet we're humming along quite nicely.

::knock, knock, knock::

I've been thinking about it some and here's what I'm coming up with to explain it.

1. We are where God told us to be. Specifically, we are where God told Toben we should be. Because this moving thing was mostly between God and Toben. I'm following. Don't get me wrong--if I thought this wasn't the right decision, I'd have piped up. Loudly. But my role in this has been more to be quiet and still and follow Toben's lead.

2. See the end of number 1. I'm not leading this thing. Toben is. And I'm so proud of him. (Hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I don't mean it that way at all.) He is seeking God's will for our family and I'm going to sit back (actively, not passively) and follow his lead. Somehow this feels like a shift for us. And I think it's a good one. Something tells me there's a series of posts in that. 

3. Personally, God has been whispering TRUST to me for the past six months. Trust, trust, trust. It's been everywhere I turn, in everything I read, a lesson in every experience. So even though I can all too easily think a month or so ahead without a job and completely, totally, wholeheartedly freak out, I'm choosing trust. 

I say "choosing" trust because for me it has to be deliberate. I read Psalm 143:8 this morning (see? it's everywhere!): "I have put my trust in you." Somehow I have a picture in my head when I read that of trust being something tangible, something I can hold on to or put into God's more-than-capable hands. 

Somehow I keep taking it back every so often, but this picture helps me see that I can once again choose to give my trust back to God. Each and every day. 

4. Even though we have yet to get into any sort of a routine since moving, we are having our morning meetings together almost every single day. So maybe there is a little bit of routine! 

We've been moving around the house and sitting in all the different places to sit, which is fun. Though the place we tend to sit the most is out on the deck. And invariably, one of us will say, "I don't think this could be any nicer. Look how green it is! I love our yard. Isn't this great?!"

We've both said it before, but having our morning meetings each day does so much to foster connection, to align our hearts and plans and priorities with each other. 

***

All that to say, stress does try to pop its head into my business from time to time. There are moments (usually mine) of feeling overwhelmed, of getting ahead of myself. But they are just moments, not mindsets.

This move has been one of exhaling, of stretching out, of relaxing, of letting go more than other moves we've made. There's been an ease to settling in. Maybe it's because we've come home, maybe it's a combination of all the reasons I've been able to come up with. 

Whatever it is, I'm grateful.

Joanne: Packing it all up

Toben and I have been talking a lot about what we're taking with us from this year in Arizona, and what we're leaving behind. A change of season (of life, not the weather!) always leaves me feeling introspective, and this one more than most for whatever reason.

My guess is that we'll be writing about that for a few posts to come, but wanted to share just one here while I wait for the realtor who's coming in a few minutes to show this house. (Need a shower, but there's not time before they show up, and well, that would be awkward!)

I know I've written about it before, but the morning meeting is a huge thing we'll be taking with us back to Denver. And whatever kind of a job Toben ends up with, whatever his schedule will be, the morning meeting will be something we continue.

In fact, I just came inside from our marathon meeting this morning. Drinking coffee, sitting out in the sun, talking about this and that and everything in between. Dreaming, planning, scheduling. 

This time together makes us feel connected, united, a team.

Toben had some great perspective for me this morning as I shared some of how I'm feeling about leaving Arizona and heading back to Denver. Saying goodbye to friends, feeling caught between anticipation and excitement and grief and sadness. 

And it helped so much. Because the truth is, I'm really happy about going home. 

It takes time to connect. And we can't do it five minutes here and there. Even one date night a week isn't enough. (Not that we're good at date night. For whatever reason, we've always been better at lunch dates, at least when the girls were in regular school.) But daily uninterrupted time, no agenda, space and opportunity to just say whatever needs to be said has been huge.

There are some other things we're going to take with us--a tv free life, clear boundaries about our room being only for us, homeschooling, being super involved at a church--but this one feels like the biggest.

The realtor just pulled up. More soon.

Toben: Reboot

I turn 40 at the end of this summer and I couldn't be more excited about it.  I hated turning 30 but for whatever reason 40 sounds cool to me.  Feels like the official midpoint of my life and as much as anticipating that is causing me to look backwards at what got me here, I am having a lot more fun looking forward to where we'll go next. So I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to reboot my life.

On the Mac you reboot when you get the spinning rainbow of death.  At least I do.  I am sometimes too impatient to wait for whatever is going on to resolve itself so I just start over. I feel like my life has been that rainbow wheel for the last few months; like there are things that needed to be resolved that just weren't happening.  So I hit the power button and here we go!

The big thing is that I have resigned from Mission to move back to Denver. Believe it or not, I got a word from the Lord a couple weeks ago (this never happens to me). He told me that I'm not good at what I was trying to do and that that was OK. I didn't have to keep striving to achieve success when I am really not gifted in the areas required to achieve that success.  He filled me with confidence and since resigning I have had a sense of peace about the whole thing.

The tough part is that we have dearly loved Mission and the friendships that have sprung up from there.  The people are amazing and we have been fortunate to have the opportunity to connect with so many of them.  Each of those friends will be missed. There are a couple of relationships in particular that make moving especially difficult--friends that are more like family. But when I heard God's voice I took it seriously and sprang into action.

Aside: I have a tattoo that reads: Jump First, Fear Later.  That has so defined the last couple of weeks--God said jump and I did.  I am sure the fear will come at some point, but right now I am just reveling in the fact that I am in his will for our family.

The good part is that the reboot is taking us back to the last time/place we were really content.  Some of our very best years as a family occurred in our yellow house in Willow Creek.  We were close to Joanne's folks which is a huge deal to me.  We had a house that we loved that was a reflection of who we are as a family.  We had the girls in a school that was fantastic.  We had a church home.  Joanne was in seminary and loving it.  I have wanted all that stuff back, and God has moved in my heart to make that happen. We had good friends there too.

Another big deal: Joanne's sister and her family now live over by us.  The girls will get to grow up with their aunt, uncle and cousins! I can't imagine anything much better than that.

Joanne has already registered for a seminary class which thrills me.  My goal is for Joanne to be able to pursue her studies the whole way to her doctorate.  She is so gifted and loves to learn more than anyone I have ever met.  Being in seminary is a good and right thing for her that God is going to use in some amazing way.

At the girl's request we will continue to homeschool. The only difference is that we will have family around to help out from time to time.  The girls are excited for Papa to do their science experiments with them. 

I need a job.  That will be the main stresser in this whole transaction.  But I have faith that God knows exactly where he wants me, so I will hustle to find something but I will also trust him and be listening for his voice.

So the reboot is on.  The screen has lit up, the desktop is appearing but the screen saver is different than what was up there before.  And the files are a bit rearranged.  And there are a couple of new programs in the dock. It's still my life.  It's still my family.  It's still my walk with God. But it's a whole bunch of change too.  I couldn't be more stoked!

I feel like I got an early birthday present from God: a chance to hear his voice.  I love that.  Thanks God!

I could write a whole other post about all the little things that happened and didn't happen to make this move possible. But I'll leave it at the fact that God has has directed for months to get us into this place.  He is a God of order and I can see it all laid out behind us now.  He has moved to make this just the right thing.

Joanne: A couple of one

Yesterday, twoignite (the marriage ministry at our church that Toben and I direct) hosted Love and Laughter with Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. What a great morning. They did a terrific job.

If they're in your area anytime soon, you want to register and attend. They're real and honest and funny and transparent and full of wisdom. And while they don't talk about the kinds of things we talk about here for the most part, those of us who deal with mental illness, with addiction, with whatever also deal with all the "regular" marriage stuff--parenting, communication, expectations, sex.

Of course, Toben and I were working, so while I was in the audience for most of all of the sessions, Toben was not. We divide and conquer--and he was taking care of merchandise stuff and outside the main room kinds of things. We weren't there to attend the seminar, but to facilitate it.

Even knowing the truth and logic of that, it's not much fun to sit in a marriage-focused thing by yourself. 

I'm guessing you know what I mean. Part of dealing with the things we deal with is sometimes doing things alone. Going to church, going to counseling, parenting, you name it by ourselves. Toben and I certainly went through a season where that was particularly true.

Maybe that's why I felt sad yesterday afternoon when it was over. Because it called to mind--called to heart, really--those times when I sat through church alone, feeling like a couple of one.

We're not in that kind of a season anymore. That was years ago, when the crisis was acute and fresh and throbbing. But it caught me off guard how quickly that feeling returned to the surface yesterday.

Toben:Dreaming

Our counselor gave us a little insight/piece of advice a few weeks ago that seemed really simple, so simple in fact that I almost missed it.  I think I wrote about it in my last post but its significance warrants another post.  She told us that we need to dream more, to put something out in front of us that we can look forward to.  Seemed pretty simple but as we have done it it has become a bigger and bigger deal.

My deal has always been to look forward to days that won't suck, or in more technical language, to the cessation of pain. I pick a point out in the future where I feel like things might not be as bad as they currently seem.  And then I hold on for dear life for that day, to arrive.  Of course that day comes but the relief never last long.  My brain always jumps forward to remind me that even though today might be OK, tomorrow is going to bring a whole new set of problems for me to worry about.  This is not a fun way to live.

So we have started putting fun stuff out in front of us, things that we can look forward to each day and then even bigger things months in the future that we can really, really look forward to.  So each day when I wake up I pick a thing that I am looking forward to in the day.  Maybe it's a little time at the golf course with Emma.  Maybe it is a trip to the pool with Audrey.  Maybe it is running errands just Joanne and I.  I just pick some minor thing and tell myself, "This is the thing I am looking forward to today." Then, when the regular stresses and struggles of the day arise, I center myself by remembering that something good is coming.

May seem minor, but it is working.  I find that it is giving me a boost. On top of that, almost always the thing I am looking forward to has something to do with my family. I'm not looking to be off by myself somewhere but to being with Joanne or the girls.  They are the source of such solace and peace and energy  for me and getting to look forward to the fill-up that comes with spending time with them is great.

Of course it has been nice to have some big things to look forward to as well.  There are three: our trip to Denver this summer, my 40th birthday, and some sort of vacation in September to use the timeshare week that Joanne's parents gave us.  It's been so fun for me (and I think for the whole family) to look forward to these things and plan and dream about what that time can hold for us.  

I think this has made an impact on Joanne's life as well.  She is a list girl, writing down pages of stuff tat she hopes to accomplish every day.  But not much, if an of that stuff is fun, restful, restorative or energizing.  It's almost all work of one sort or another.  So I encouraged her to build in a little time to just do something that she really wants to do. And I have seen her do it! Yesterday she actually laid down on the couch and read a book for an hour! That NEVER happens.  I was so proud of her!

So I guess that's about it: looking forward to something good and fun that we can dream about instead of focusing only on the tough stuff that comes with living in the world. It is changing stuff for me and for the family.  Give it a try and see if it works for you!

Joanne: Thursdays at 3 o'clock

Or at 2 o'clock, as the case may be. It changes from week to week. That's the time we're going to counseling each week. It's been good. And here's why.

It's a safe space to talk about some things that we might feel uncomfortable talking about just the two of us.

That may sound funny. In fact, it looks a little funny. Makes me think, Why in the world would we be uncomfortable talking about something. This is us! But there are those conversations that are somehow easier to have in the presence of someone else, with someone else asking the question.

Case in point: Our counselor asked Toben about my teaching Bible study, about my schedule this past spring, about my getting a lot of attention at church as a result of teaching. And he said he was jealous, that he resented it a little. Something I suspected, something he denied, something we just didn't quite get down to the heart of as we talked just the two of us.

I don't have to be the one to do all the talking.

Maybe it's because I'm the woman, maybe it's because I'm me and Toben's Toben--for whatever reason, I do a lot of the talking in our relationship. As we sit in the counselor's office each week, someone else does a lot of the talking. I have the freedom to sit back and listen and trust that she's going to ask Toben some things and I get to just be quiet.

Please don't think I'm saying Toben never talks. He does! He just talks more when I'm not talking. :) And so this is good.

It's another place to talk about some things that often get pushed to the bottom of the list.

Our morning meetings are huge for this. In fact, I was just telling someone the other day about how much I love our morning meetings. That it gives us time each and every day to talk about the stuff we have to talk about--calendars and to do lists and children and so on--but because we make the time, there's also time to talk about dreams and hopes and feelings and ideas.

Counseling is another place we can step back and look at the way things are and dream about the way we want them to be. And a counselor helps us figure out some practical--and realistic!--steps to get there.

It gives us some perspective.

In the midst of crisis, in the midst of stress, I have a hard time stepping back and seeing things in perspective and clearly. This helps me do that.

***

Yes, counseling takes time. Yes, it costs money. And yes, it's worth it.

Toben:Update

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted on here.  And SO much has happened, both good and bad. Probably the biggest deal is that I fell off the wagon and started sneaking beers about six weeks ago.  What an idiot! For some reason I was just driving down the street past the Circle K and thought, "A beer sounds pretty good right now."  I pulled in, bought one, drank it and the world didn't end or anything.  So over the next two weeks a snuck more beers until I got caught by the girls.  Joanne has suspected I was drinking but I had denied it.  What an incredible betrayal of trust! I still can't believe that I blew it.  What a foolish act.

So that got me started back in recovery.  I now go to AA, to CR (Celebrate Recovery), I got a sponsor and I am doing step work--the full gamut.  It actually feels pretty good to be back in recovery.  I feel like it is giving me some spiritual direction.  I am spending more time focusing on Jesus (my "higher power") and thinking about how I can turn my will and my life over to him every day.  It is getting me out of bed early each morning and putting my head on straight for the day.

Joanne and I are still doing our morning meetings.  It is probably the highlight of my day.  We ready the Bible together, we talk about our day and the stuff we need to get done for twoignite, for school, or for whatever else.  We always finish with prayer.  It is incredibly grounding.  I tend to wake up with anxiety each morning about what the day will hold, but being with Joanne reminds me about what is important: my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with Joanne, my relationship with the girls and then everything else.  With that in the front of my mind I usually go into the day in a good place.

The final development is that Joanne and I are going to counseling together. We have both done counseling individually over the years, but not together.  We found a great counselor who we both really like and she has been helpful.  It's funny because she's not coming up with anything revolutionary, just reminding us of the little things we can do that make life better.  My favorite suggestion of hers was that we need to remember to dream and to keep things that we are looking forward to out in front of us.

That may seem like a small thing but I can't tell you the impact it has had.  For me, most of what I have been looking forward to over the last years is basically the end of pain. I think forward to a point in time where I imagine I will be able to live anxiety free for a few days.  But I haven't had fun things out there that I am stoked about.  Since she suggested that a couple of things worth looking forward to have come up.

The first is our trip to Denver this summer.  Yes, it'll be a mixed bag because we will be officially moving out of our house there to prepare for our new renters.  That will be hard. But it'll be so good to be around family!  The next is that I turn 40 this summer and I am really looking forward to it.  I am trying to get a golf trip to San Diego put together with a few buddies.  I really want to bring families along and just turn it into a big, fun four day weekend.  The last is that Joanne's parents have given us a week of their banked timeshare time.  We have been knocking around ideas of where to go (probably in September).  We were talking about it over dinner last week and Emma blurted out, "How about Oregon?" We all looked at each other and decided that that wasn't a bad idea at all.  So we are going to see what's available up there. Having stuff to look forward to is a blast!

I guess all that's left to talk about is work.  Things are going pretty well.  I am feeling pretty worn out from just wrapping up our Grand Opening at the church. We had three bands/concerts, three guest speakers and a ton of other programmatic elements all crammed into a six week period.  What a wild time! I learned a lot and felt like I got to contribute to the life of the church.  Love that feeling! Now that that is over Joanne and I can really jump into twoignite with both feet.  We have so many plans and ideas.  I love getting to work with her on this stuff.  She is amazing!

So, to sum up: I blew it but God is using my mistakes to draw me closer to him.  I am rebuilding trust with Joanne and the girls (the best part of my life), I am working my program, going to counseling and plugging away at the church.  This may sound weird but it all has me in a relatively good head space.  Yes, I still struggle with anxiety, insecurity and a desperate need to be a people pleaser. But it's not out of control the way it has been in the past.  It is in check.  That's about it.

Joanne: Submitting

Thanks for all the great comments on Toben's post about being the head of the household. Wow, is this tricky! It's tricky for your average couple, but then throw in some mental illness and you've got tricky times ten.

Right up front I'll say we do not have this all figured out and tied neatly with a bow. This is a daily thing we're still figuring out, still talking about, still working out. Leadership/submission--it's definitely a work in progress around our home.

That said, it seems like there's some room for some more discussion here. A couple of things that stand out to me from my own story and from your comments--especially for women whose husbands aren't leading because of mental illness:

1. It's less about taking over and wanting to be head of the home than it's about filling in and just doing what needs to be done.

Especially when there are children in the home, someone has to make the decisions, someone needs to provide leadership--physical, emotional, and spiritual. As a Christian, God is the ultimate head of our home, but children definitely need "someone with skin on" to be in charge. Someone needs to provide training, teaching, instruction, discipline. 

(Of course, this should come from both parents, but the Bible clearly describes a particular order of responsibility for the family. I've heard it taught that submission is about order and connection rather than importance or value or power--it helps me to think about it that way. Just as a company is organized to function productively and efficiently, so are families. And in that, we all submit to one another in love as the Apostle Paul says at the end of Ephesians 5.)

For a mom to do that isn't not submitting, it's being responsible for our kids. My motive wasn't just to be the boss because I wanted to be the boss, it was doing it because it needed to be done and Toben couldn't or wouldn't.

2. When a husband is ready and willing to become the head of the home, there's a process of stepping back down and making room for him to step up.

This is where we're living right now. And it's tricky some days. 

I'll go ahead and be totally honest and say that I like being in control. I like being the boss--even though I complain about it. Fickle me. At the same time, when I examine my heart, what I really want is for Toben to lead our family. And so it's time for me to step back.

In that, I do have some responsibilities. To let him be the leader. To tell him that I need him to be the leader. To support him as the leader--especially in front of the children. To ask questions when I don't understand what he's doing (but NOT in front of the kids!). To be honest about my needs and wants. To encourage him in his leadership.

Why? Because this is all relatively new and scary to him and he wants to do it well. He knows there's a lot at stake and feels a lot of pressure to do it right. He could very easily sit back and let me keep doing his job. But he's choosing to be courageous and do the thing. And I love that. 

It's still messy some days. Some of our patterns run pretty deep. But we're learning, talking, communicating a lot more than we ever have. (Those morning meetings are making a huge difference. Can't encourage you in that enough!)

Any other thoughts?

Comments

Somehow a bunch of your comments got marked as "spam"--and I've just discovered it. So I've published them, and we are reading through them. Please know we weren't ignoring you and so appreciate the time you take to leave a comment.

Toben: Head of Household

Got a great question on the blog about what a wife is supposed to do when her husband, as a result of mental illness or addiction or whatever else, can't really fulfill the proper role as "head of the household." What a tough one! But it's a reality for a lot of wives.

When I was in the deepest, earliest days of my breakdown, diagnosis and addiction I was not any sort of a husband or father, let alone the "head' of anything.  I got lucky: Joanne jumped in a took over.  I know that might sound weird, but today, looking back I am so thankful that she took over because it represented a huge protection for the girls.  She made it possible for me to be essentially out of the picture (because I was) without the wheels completely coming off in our home.

Another thing that I think really helped her is that my psychologist told her to use her instincts and to not let me get away with stuff.  Now this one is going to sound really weird but essentially he told her that if she wouldn't let the girls get away with a particular behavior then she shouldn't let me get away with it either. And she did just that.

There were nights when I would come to the dinner table and be completely unresponsive, not eating, treating my family like they didn't even exist.  More than once Joanne excused me from the table and told me that if I couldn't engage and if I wasn't going to eat that there was no reason for me to be there.    

To put it bluntly, she entered a mode where she refused to take any crap from me.

This was good for the girls.  It provided them stability when I was very, very unstable. But it took a massive toll on Joanne.  It was damaging and has probably left some permanent scars.  Things are healed up but there are evidences of the wounds she suffered. I regret that I put her in a position where she had to parent me too. But she did what she had to do to survive and to protect the kids.

What about today? I am pretty stable these days, largely as a result of having my meds figured out.  I still battle anxiety, but it comes and goes and I have things I can do to address it when it comes up, including verbalizing to Joanne just how I am feeling so she isn't left guessing as to why I'm acting one way or another. I think communication has really been the key that has allowed us to get back to relative normalcy. As hard as it can be, we are talking more now then we ever have, about everything. 

And we are still learning as we go.  There are still things that I have a really tough time talking about, but I choose to celebrate our progress rather then focus on the lack on my perfection.

Joanne: The morning meeting

Something else we're doing differently since December is having a morning meeting. Every single day. 

 

We sit in our big comfy chairs and talk through our day. How we're feeling. What we're hearing from God. Our plans for the day. Cares. Concerns. Work stuff. Newsy stuff we forgot to tell each other. Stuff about the girls and parenting. Fun stuff. Hard stuff. 

We drink coffee. I eat a bowl of Cheerios with some yogurt and blueberries. Toben reads to me from Scripture. We talk about it. We hold hands. We pray.

It takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the day. And Fridays just don't work for more than a few minutes as Toben's coming in from his AA meeting and I'm going out to a standing coffee date with a friend.

Nothing fancy. Nothing too complicated about it. But this small practice of a morning meeting has made such a difference in our marriage in the past few months.

We feel more connected. More united. More on the same page. And we know that we have time set aside each and every day just for us. A time and a place to talk about whatever needs to be talked about. 

Joanne: What we've been doing differently

It's been kind of quiet around this blog since December and our trip to the mountains for a weekend of pretty intense (who am I kidding? really intense!) counseling.

Some of it related to Toben's being bipolar, but mostly it was just about us. About each one of us as individuals, about us as a couple--about all that married stuff that accumulates over eighteen years of marriage.

It was so hard. And so good.

We came back and I didn't really blog much about it. Some of it is just private, some of it was still too new to share.

But as I look back on the past two months since that weekend, there are a couple of things that stand out to me. And here's one that I especially want to share with you this morning.

I had given up on some things in our marriage and used Toben's bipolarity as an excuse.

There are things I had stopped hoping for, stopped working toward, stopped pursuing, stopped praying for. I let mental illness have the last word.

Please hear me on this--yes, we deal with a bipolar diagnosis and it is real and it is hard and it does affect some things in our marriage. But it had become my catch-all excuse for giving up and quitting when I needed to persevere and pray and simply hang on.

Communication hard? Blame Toben's being bipolar, rather than pursuing him and working at it.

Parenting challenges? Blame Toben's being bipolar and just get good and mad and feel really justified in my anger, rather than talking about how we want to parent as a team.

Struggling with intimacy? Blame the medication and give up, rather than creating romance and persevering.

Lots and lots of blame.

I learned some hard things about myself that weekend. Came face to face with the fact that I just up and quit in many ways. I didn't like seeing that--at all.

I've taken back some responsibility in our relationship that is rightfully mine. I don't want to give up and sit by and blame this bipolar/addiction thing. I want to rise to the challenge and work through it, around it. 

For better or for worse, the hard things of addiction and bipolarity are just part of our relationship. Along with the hard things of my pride, my stubbornness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness. Everybody's got something.

So the question becomes this: What are we doing with the marriage we've got? What are we doing in this marriage to make great marriage?

Toben: Parenting

Got an anonymous comment about the stresses of parenting on a bi-polar dad.I haven't had this conversation with other bi-polar parents but I can tell you that for me, the kids (9 and 11) are more a centering, calming influence on me than anything else.  In fact one of the most centering things I do is snuggle with them in bed at night.  For me, it calms anxiety and causes me to focus on what is really most important.  Of course I am medicated and not currently dealing with mania or depression aside from some basic anxiety. 

I will add a caveat: when I am really whacked out, especially manic or having an anxiety attack, I am not capable of parenting well.  It's almost like I know my kids are there, and I can hear them talking but I can't really hear them. Does that make sense? But then again, I can't do any relationships well when that stuff is going on.

So to anonymous: don't be afraid of becoming a parent.  It has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me.  I am very fortunate in that I have Joanne as a partner in all this and when I go downhill she is there to take up the slack and provide stability for the kids.  And of course, like I tell everyone: take your meds, see your psychiatrist and avoid isolating.  Other then that, take it one day at a time and enjoy the blessings of family that God has provided.

I know it's been a while

I have loved the comments and questions I've received in the past week or so--and I'm not ignoring you. There have been some pretty big changes around our house lately and I've been waiting for the perfect time to sit down and say hello, answer your questions, and catch you up on some things.

But there's no "perfect" time as far as I can tell.

The biggest news is that I'm now working with Toben--in addition to homeschooling our girls. And so my time--well, I don't seem to have any "my time" these days. (Thus me being awake and blogging at 11:10 p.m., which is NOT like me at all!)

This change is pretty recent and I'm in that stage of figuring out when and how everything will get done, catching up, and heading up a steep learning curve. I am hoping that things are going to settle down and into more of a routine in the next few weeks. 

I have saved your questions and comments--and we will answer. So keep 'em coming and know we're paying attention. Know too that we're praying for you by name. It's a hard road to walk, but God has promised that he is enough. Somehow, even when it doesn't seem like it, even when we don't understand. He knows and he cares and he's not going to leave. 

Joanne: My control issues make it hard to dance

TwoIgnite has hosted ballroom dancing classes at church this week as part of the month's focus of 2drink. 2drink is all about sex and romance. So...ballroom dancing classes this week lead up to a fancy dancy party at the clubhouse in our neighborhood next weekend.

Band, dance instructors, fancy finger foods, photographs--kind of a like a grown-up prom.

Toben had my mom send his tux. I have nothing to wear! So I'll head to Target later and see what kinds of party dresses they have. I don't want to spend much, so I'm hoping for some Target magic. Cross your fingers.

Anyway, dance lessons.

We missed the west coast swing class on Tuesday night. There was an accident near church, the road was closed for a while, and most of the high school kids didn't show to babysit. So I watched 26 K-5th graders by myself. (And I'll go ahead and admit that I didn't do it with a very happy heart. Sometimes serving is a joy, sometime's it's just grit-your-teeth obedience.)

Last night's class was the cha-cha. And I think Toben and I have it down pretty good, for the most part. Except when I take over and lead.

I think there's some sort of a metaphor for marriage in there. 

It's not that Toben wasn't trying to lead, but he doesn't lead with much vigor. So I can't really tell if we're breaking open, doing a twirl, or whatever. His movements are more subtle than blatant. And so in my uncertainty, I just blaze forward and do what I think we should do.

Sometimes I guess right and it works out okay. Sometimes not so much.

I kept thinking about the dance instructor saying that men are in charge on the dance floor. That the woman needs to follow even if he messes up. That ultimately the man is responsible if he messes up, the woman's job is to follow.

I don't really mean to open up a whole submission can of worms. Really.

But I will say this. Most of the wives I know want to follow their husband's lead. They want him to lead boldly. With purpose. With confidence. It's when we're not sure that we tend to blaze ahead and take over.

For me? I think I need to wait for Toben's leading to be more obvious. And if it's not as clear as I'd like or need, I need to wait and ask questions. Otherwise we're just going to keep stepping on each other's feet.

Toben: Strong Medication=Embarrassment

Couple of things in the last week have reminded me of the strength of the medication I am on. The first is that in California, after I took my nightly meds, Joanne and I had a lengthy conversation that I have no memory of.  What a weird feeling to wake up in the morning to Joanne distraught because I was so out of it the night before; that I was insensitive and inattentive. This seems like it happens at least once a week and has been for most of the time that I have been medicated.  Even then, it is still embarrassing every time it happens. 

The other thing is that when my meds kick in a loose some fine motor control, which leads to incomprehensible text messages and emails! As much as I try to land my thumbs in the right place on my iPhone I just can't make it happen.  And instead of just deciding not to text at night, I try anyhow only to realize the next day that I have sent gibberish to friends.  Again, pretty embarrassing.  

Heard from a friend today about someone at her church with bi-polar who has taken himself off of all his meds.  That makes me sad, but I totally get it.  My first reaction to the embarrassment that I too often feel is to think about quitting the meds, or playing around with the dosages to try and regain control.

Granted, I am happy with my meds most of the time.  I know enough to know that without them I would probably be dead.  Being aware of that keeps me on track. 

But I completely understand why people quit them. It's a control thing.  I think all of us have a natural desire to be in control of our thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Sometimes the meds take some or all of those things away. That's a bad feeling. But I know this: it is better than the alternative.